“It’s a disgrace that people are still expected to read this deep-state argy-bargy,” the President said, quoting Justice Scalia. “It’s time for a sexy movie version that real Americans can watch on Saturday nights after a long round of golf and your wife won’t let you grab her by the pussy.”
WASHINGTON DC — President Trump said today that the US Constitution is “unreadable, like it’s written in a foreign language.” He added: “Donald J Trump is calling for a movie version of the U.S. Constitution until we can figure out what the hell is going on!”
“All those ‘thuses’ and ‘wherefores’ and ‘whatsoevers,’” he grumbled. “I mean, who has the time to keep looking up them fancy legal words? I’ve said a lot of words, probably more than any other president, especially Obama, but I’m too busy protecting things, okay?”
The President insisted that what America and the world really needs is a sexy movie version of the Constitution “with lots of jokes and action so viewers don’t get bored. I’m especially looking forward to the Second Amendment scene, bang, bang you’re dead on Fifth Avenue, ha! ha!”
Trump noted that the movie he envisioned would of course have no impeachment clause—“Impeachment! There’s another liberal hack word!”—and an “expanded” version of Article II, showing clearly how it does indeed allow any Republican president to do whatever he wants.
“Rupert (Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News) has already promised me multiple prime-time showings before, during and after this sham so-called impeachment trial,” Mr Trump said.
“And then. after my acquittal, it will be shown daily, all the way through the election and into January 2021. That way the American people will finally understand what Jesus and our great Constitution have ultimately given unto us: Moi, Don Jr and Ivanka — the Father, the Son and… well, I’ve gotta have some fun too, haven’t I?”
