Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Gwyneth Paltrow is selling candles that smell like her vagina

I’m tempted to say “that’s nuts” but, apparently, that’s her husband’s line of candles!

They’re bringing back Thirtysomething

Which now refers to the amount of times the characters get up in the middle of the night to pee.

Putin criticizes Democrats for impeaching Trump – WSJ

Apparently, he didn’t take an extended warranty on his purchase.

Meghan and Harry waxworks removed from Royal family display at Madame Tussaud’s

While Prince Andrew’s snuck off to the Spice Girls exhibit.

Willie Nelson gave up smoking weed

…. but I, for one, I’m betting he’ll forget.

The Pope apologized for slapping a woman on the wrist at an event

Damn, I thought slapping someone on the wrist is something he only reserved as punishment for pedophile priests.

Trump reaches out to North Korea in bid to resume nuclear talks

Makes sense, Trump does have a weakness for the Jung Uns.

Happy 39th birthday, Pitbull

Or, 273 in Pitbull years.

One of America’s oldest and largest milk producers files for bankruptcy

… udderly speechless …

Iranian official tells Trump not to ‘dishonor’ Persian language by tweeting in Farsi

While the Brits ought to tell him the same thing about English.

Manuel Sanchez, a Spanish reporter working for Sputnik News, has reportedly died after falling out of a window in Moscow

… so, natural causes …

KellyAnne Conway’s husband, George Conway, is going after Trump again

So, it’s Conway versus Twitty!

New research finds Jupiter is flinging asteroids at Earth

Hey, Earth, get on it, the only way to stop a bad planet flinging asteroids is with a good planet flinging asteroids.

No women nominated for Best Director

… unless they’re hiding in Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)