Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Breaking: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston looked cozy at SAG Awards

I guess she finally forgave him for the Angelina Jolie stuff. I mean, they were on a break, for god’s sake!

Florida man arrested for tranquilizing and raping alligators in Everglades

If it happened in Australia, it’d be a load of croc…

New study shows audience’s hearts synchronize at the theatre

While at the movie ‘Cats,’ it was sleep REMs.

Barry Bonds didn’t make the Baseball HOF, again

Which explains just one of the reasons he no longer has such a swelled head.

Kellyanne Conway turns 53 today

What do you get for the girl who’s lied about everything?!

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says 2020 is off to a fine start for her: “I’m cancer-free.”

As opposed to the White House …

Smugglers tried to bring 3,700 invasive crabs through the Port of Cincinnati

… would’ve got away with it, too, if it wasn’t for all that itching, scratching.

RIP Kobe Bryant

Damn, only 41. Ironically, he could put that number up every damn night. So sad.

Kourtney Kardashian’s 7-year-old daughter Penelope steals the show in $200 Versace swimsuit

More amazing was Lev Parnas standing in the background…

The NY Times picked Klobuchar AND Warren to endorse for Dem Prez nomination

They also got the 49ers AND the Chiefs in the Super Bowl!

Dershowitz says he will defend the president by arguing that even if he did abuse his power, he hasn’t committed any actual crimes

… and if there were actually crimes, Trump was wearing his underwear at the time, so, it doesn’t count …

Franklin Graham says Melania Trump is “The classiest First Lady our county has ever had”

I don’t know about that, those Linotypes with a naked Martha Washington and Abigail Adams are pretty hot, uh, I mean classy!

Mitch McConnell reportedly fell asleep during impeachment proceedings Tuesday

‪… when he woke up he found out his seat had been stolen and given to Merrick Garland…

Greta Thunberg fires back after Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin says she isn’t qualified to lecture the US on climate change

Greta: Who?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)