Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Popeyes is selling athleisure inspired by Beyoncé’s Ivy Park x Adidas Collection

Although, it’s not official for the single ladies until they put an onion ring on it. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Bloomberg goes “all-in” in run for President

Bloomberg’s campaign slogan ought to be, “the only way to stop a bad guy who lies about having a billion dollars is with a good guy with a billion dollars.’’

The famed Doomsday Clock has been set at 100 seconds to midnight this year, the closest it’s ever been to the metaphorical point of the Earth’s destruction

… time for bacon. Lots of bacon!

John Delaney drops out of Democratic presidential race just days before Iowa caucuses

Surprising even his family, not that he dropped out — but that he was even running in the first place.

Utah Judge rules it’s “lewd” for a woman to be topless in her own home”

… that’s not what the UPS guy said…

Trump team caught writing the questions for GOP senators

The bigger question is who translated them from the original Russian?

New study shows audience’s hearts synchronize at the theatre

While at the movie ‘Cats’ it was sleep REMs.

RIP, Mr. Peanut

Don’t feel too bad; he was 104 and just a shell of his old self.

02022020: Palindrome day warms the hearts of mathematicians, geeks

That’s right, 02/02/2020 was officially Palindrome Day. Or, as it’s also known, ‘Yad Emordnilap.’

Man escapes burning house only to have his wife run him over

People are shocked, shocked it didn’t happen in Florida.

Zoo will name a cockroach after your ex, then feed it to a meerkat on Valentine’s Day

Don’t even think about it, Taylor Swift; we don’t need any exploding meerkats.

Michelle Obama wins Grammy for audio recording of her memoir

So now we know what Melania will be doing in a few years.

Duchess of Cambridge crowned number one royal fashion icon – beating Meghan Markle

… and Queen Elton John.

Kushner tells Sky News Arabia he has read 25 books on the Israel-Palestine conflict

I saw ‘Marathon Man,’ anyone need any dental work.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)