Exclusive: Leaked copy of rejection letter to President Trump from Heaven’s Gate Estates.
Dear Mr. Trump:
Receipt is acknowledged of your application for admittance to our new Heaven’s Gate Estates project. Thank you for the edible fruit arrangement; however, we are unable to accept any gift that might be construed as a bribe.
Unfortunately, our celestial board has rejected your application. Notwithstanding your claims to be “a stable genius” and “the greatest President of all time,” your earthly record did not meet our rigorous standards.
“Extreme wealth” per se is not a guarantee of admittance especially when the extent of that wealth has been greatly exaggerated. As we often joke here, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into Heaven’s Gate.
Rest assured that we gave your application all due consideration. We conducted a thorough investigation based on our ten-point assessment guide or what some here have dubbed the ten commandments.
We don’t expect a perfect score, of course, but we do ask that potential residents meet at least a minimal standard. In that regard, we regret to inform you that you did not meet even that low threshold.
It appears that you worship other deities including fame, mammon and yourself. Some say that you take the name of our CEO in vain and that you do not keep the Sabbath day holy. Please note that a round of golf does not qualify.
It looks like you honored your parents although taking large sums of money from your father is not really that honorable. In fairness, there’s no indication that you killed anyone notwithstanding your boast that you could do so with impunity.
Item six of what we call our Decalogue was perhaps the most troublesome. Our investigative team discovered numerous instances of adultery including one time with an adult film star while your wife was caring for your infant son.
I’m afraid that items seven and ten were also not in your favor. Stiffing suppliers and contractors, hiding behind repeated bankruptcies and evading income tax all count as theft here at Heaven’s Gate and, despite your protestations, cannot be dismissed simply as “fake news.”
Speaking of fake news, you have also borne false witness against numerous neighbors including repeated lying and bullying. As for coveting your neighbor’s wife, I think your claim of grabbing women by the genitals tells us all we need to know on that score.
As for scores, as I said, we’re not looking for perfection but, at a bare minimum, we like to see a passing grade of five out of ten or fifty percent. Sadly, you have fallen far short of that mark.
We appreciate that you have included several glowing letters of reference. However, V. Putin, K. Jong-un and R. Giuliani do not appear on our list of approved referees.
You can always reapply at a later date although it appears that you have a lot of work to do to burnish your reputation especially in light of your recent impeachment. We are not suggesting moving to our competitor’s Hades residential development but we do urge you to set your sights a bit lower.
For now, you might want to consider applying at Purgatory Condos. They are perfectly adequate facilities for as many millennia as you need although you should note that there is no golf course.
We wish you the best of luck in your afterlife real estate search and remain
Eternally yours,
St. Peter
- The Proud Boys’ Letter to President Trump - January 8, 2021
- Betting on Trump - January 6, 2021
- Melania Trump’s Christmas Letter - December 23, 2020
