Other States on Iowa's Crazy Caucuses - David Martin, Humor Times

In the wake of the Iowa crazy caucuses vote count debacle, a number of other states have spoken out about the “first in the nation” disaster.

New Hampshire

You know who used to be first in the nation and never screwed up its voting process? New Hampshire, that’s who. I warned you against using those crazy caucuses methods when Iowa grabbed first spot and relegated me to second position. If you wanna choose a nominee quickly and efficiently, think New Hampshire and make us first again. Check out our historical record. We guarantee a disaster-free start to the primary season.

Nevada

When you hear my name you probably think “sins and vices” but we want to be seen as a responsible partner in the democratic process. After all, who’s the best when it comes to reliability with numbers? Ask any high roller and he’ll tell you Nevada’s a straight shooter. Plus, thanks to our gambling expertise, we’ve got the most sophisticated counting software in the nation. Whether you want a caucus, a primary or a convention (political or otherwise), choose us to be first. And remember, any votes in Vegas stay in Vegas.

Delaware

Caucuses, schmaucuses. What do you expect when a bunch of corn-fed farmers sit around in 1700 halls and try to pick a nominee? To avoid that mess in 2024, it’s time to choose Delaware and our Tupperware-inspired house party voting system. Hundreds of Delaware housewives will invite neighbors over for an evening of snacks, games and lingerie modelling. Each Presidential candidate will be assigned a particular racy undergarment and the final sales totals will determine who wins my precious 28 convention delegates.

Maine

I don’t think this is the right time to pick on Iowa just because they screwed up. But it is time they got out of the caucus business altogether and I know what I’m talking about because we used to caucus, too, but recently saw the light and switched to a primary system. If nothing else, a primary attracts more voters and that means more money spent which is helpful considering our bleak economic outlook. With fewer trees and lobsters to harvest, we definitely need more voters.

Wyoming

I’m tired of being called the Forgotten State especially when we’ve got a voting system second to none although most of you folks haven’t even heard of it. We know that you just can’t rely on humans. That’s why for the final week of April every four years, we invite Democratic candidates and their supporters to roam our state applying their individual brands to any of the millions of cattle grazing from Casper to Cheyenne. The “polls” close at 12 noon on April 30^th at which time our ranchers will spend the rest of the day tallying the results.

Rhode Island

We may have been the last of the original thirteen colonies to join the Union but there’s no reason we can’t be the first in choosing the Democratic Presidential candidate with a late January voting date. Forget crazy caucuses and primaries; for 2024, the Ocean State opts to join forces with the Girl Scouts and their annual door-to-door cookie sale. Potential purchasers will be asked to choose a box of cookies bearing a likeness of their preferred candidate. Customers are encouraged to buy more than one box and can even “split” their votes, if they wish.

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David Martin

Dave's political satire and short humor have appeared in most major North American newspapers. He is also the author of several humor collections including "Dare to be Average", "Screams & Whispers" and "King Donald I" available on Amazon.