Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NFL gets complaints from people who think Jlo and Shakira Super Bowl halftime show will turn their daughters into strippers

Apparently, the Super Bowl halftime show is considered a gateway pole.

12 days after marrying in a private Malibu ceremony, Pamela Anderson & Jon Peters have called it off. It was marriage No. 5 for both

‪… on the bright side, each one’s next marriage comes with a free medium drink and order of fries…

Bernie Sanders keeps talking about Trump and the 1%

Jokes on Bernie. Trump doesn’t have enough money to be in the 1%.

Navy arming nuclear subs with lasers, no one knows why

Maybe, it’s just to play with catfish…

Trump acquitted in Senate Impeachment trial vote

Final tally: 52 – Nyet; 48 – Dah.

A seat-filler at the Grammys says Ariana Grande said “not right now” when he asked for a selfie after she lost to Billie Eilish

The saddest part is she didn’t even recognize it was Pete Davidson.

Rush Limbaugh’s Medal of Freedom from Trump draws backlash

In fairness, Rush getting the Medal of Freedom is like Roy Moore Jr being named ‘Man of the Year’ by Teen Vogue.

‘Parasite’ wins Oscar

Really? And, I thought they threw Harvey Weinstein out of the Film Academy.

Giuliani associate Lev Parnas trolls Trump by threatening to release new photo of them together every time Trump claims not to know him

So, what’s the difference between God and Lev Parnas? God is seen everywhere; Lev is seen everywhere except with Hillary.

Susan Collins says it would not be appropriate for Trump to retaliate against impeachment witnesses

Hoping Collins’s staff has pre-existing coverage because they must be hurting from constant whiplash!

Kirk Douglas, legendary Hollywood tough guy, dies at 103

Kirk did live a long life. When he made ‘Spartacus,’ it was considered a contemporary thriller.

Donald Trump Jr. calls on Mitt Romney to be “expelled” from GOP over impeachment vote

… if you think that was rough, you should’ve heard it in the original Russian…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)