The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Joe, Pete and Bernie

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Democratic presidential candidates you know on a first name basis: Joe, Pete and Bernie.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are the Democratic presidential candidates Vice President Joe Biden, Senator Bernie Sanders and former Mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttigieg.

JERRY

Good morning, Gentlemen. Thank you for taking time out from the campaign to be on my show.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

This may be Joe’s last appearance. Looks like he’s going down for the count. And Mayor Pete? He’s still in diapers. I’m the only guy that can beat Trump.

See ‘The Jerry Duncan Show’ live! Opening in NYC, March 5-15, 2020.

VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

I would make a helluva vice president.

MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG

You were the vice president.

BIDEN

Smart aleck. Think you know everything, Buttiggy.

SANDERS

It’s pronounced Booty Gigs. Thank you very much.

BUTTIGIEG

You’re both wrong. Just call me Mayor Pete.

JERRY

Pete and Repeat went down to the lake. Pete fell in. Who is left?

BIDEN

Repeat.

SANDERS

No. It’s Pete. I see the little guy playing in the sandbox.

BUTTIGIEG

Real funny. You’re old enough to remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

SANDERS

Wise guy. I almost beat you in Iowa.

BIDEN

Was I there?

JERRY

Not really.

JERRY

Veep. How do you know if someone in Iowa is married?

BIDEN

The wife wears a wedding ring on her middle finger?

JERRY

No. The tobacco spit stains are on both sides of their pickup truck.

SANDERS

Excuse me. Not to brag, but I just won New Hampshire. I know everything about the people.

JERRY

Really? Why do Dartmouth students have such beautiful noses?

SANDERS

Can I call a lifeline?

JERRY

No.

SANDERS

I give up. Why?

JERRY

They’re hand picked.

BUTTIGIEG

There’s nothing wrong with that. Boogers don’t have calories. I believe in eating healthy.

BIDEN

Are you off Pablum? Just sayin.

BUTTIGIEG

(laughs) Veep. Tell everyone where you placed in Iowa and New Hampshire.

BIDEN

Here’s the deal. I didn’t expect to win either state. There aren’t diverse voters like in South Carolina. I’ll wipe the floor with you and Bernie, because I speak the Carolina language.

JERRY

Spanish?

BIDEN

Ebonics. Keepin it real, homies. I’m off to happy hour.

BUTTIGIEG

At your age, happy hour is a nap.

SANDERS

I dreamed that I was taking a nap.

JERRY

Super Tuesday is March 3rd. Thirty percent of the delegates will be determined. Joe, you may run out of money. What are you going to do?

BIDEN

I’m going to Disneyland!

BUTTIGIEG

You’re Goofy all right.

JERRY

Can the three of you unite if one of you wins the nomination?

SANDERS

You mean when I win. Of course they’ll support me. I promised Pete a new tricycle and Joe solar hair plugs. I will send the Orange Man in the White House on a one way mission to his favorite planet Mars.

JERRY

Have you heard about the spaceship that came to Earth?

SANDERS

You’re pulling my leg, Duncan.

JERRY

I’m serious. Never mind, it’s over your head. See you tomorrow.

Author
Recent Posts

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.