Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Topless protesters against the dairy industry crashed the stage at a Bernie Sanders rally

At first, they thought it might have been an attempt on Bernie’s life given his recent heart attack…

“Trump was merely sharing the gospel with that porn star,” explains Jim Bakker

That actually makes some sense, I guess that’s why it’s called, “getting to know someone biblically.”

Protest signs against the Astros got confiscated by ballpark personnel who said signs weren’t allowed

… Sounds like the Astros just can’t help themselves when it comes to stealing signs.

New poll: 83% of African Americans say Trump is a racist

The other 17% mostly are made up of the voices in Kanye’s head.

Happy 61st birthday John McEnroe

YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS?! 61?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Megyn Kelly’s talking blackface again

I guess it’s that time of the month when she has her ‘Minstrel Cycle.’

Buffett’s Kraft-Heinz investment takes another blow

Damn, one of the rare times Buffett has to play ketchup.

Trump keeps calling Mike Bloomberg “Mini Mike.”

Ironic for a guy who if Stormy ain’t lying should be flying around in a plane called, “Air Force One Inch!”

L.A. County Dist. Atty. Jackie Lacey moves to wipe 66,000 marijuana convictions

Actually, 12, if you count all of Snoop’s together as one.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has bought David Geffen’s Benedict Canyon home for $165 million, setting a new record for Los Angeles

And, if he had bought it on Amazon prime, he could’ve moved in, in two days.

Sy Sperling, founder of the Hair Club for Men, has died

He was 77, his hair 43.

Jessica Simpson says sex with John Mayer was “great”

Because what John Mayer needed was a commercial endorsement…

After job is eliminated, police chief strips down to underwear and walks home in snowstorm

Allowing people to know whether that’s a gun or if he’s just glad to see them.

Iran said it built an impressive stealth fighter, but then we never saw it again

… proving their point …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)