Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host stars in his own real show, live from New York City!
ANNOUNCER
Live from New York City, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. I flew into New York City yesterday to star in my own show off off Broadway. And boy is my middle finger tired. The cab drivers, the crowded subways, the pigeons. I think the pigeons are planning an uprising. They keep saying “coup, coup, coup.” But it’s really fun to hear show biz gossip. I found out that Reese eats her ice cream Witherspoon. And ironically, actor Brad Pitt and my old man have something in common. Neither one ever came to my birthday party.
The studio door bursts open.
SARAH PALIN
I spent all day trying to find you, Duncan. We need to rehearse. I don’t know my lines.
JERRY
You idiot. The play opens in a few days.
PALIN
Oh, jeez. I better get started. I thought this was ad lib.
JERRY
You couldn’t ad lib a fart after a bake bean dinner.
JERRY
(reads script) Sarah and I went to Wasilla High in Alaska. I was number one in my class with a D average. A Nobel Prize winner compared to Sarah Palin.
PALIN
Quit pickin on me, Duncan. Just because my IQ results came back negative.
JERRY
That’s not the lines, Sarah.
PALIN
(reads script) I’m gonna load my trusty rifle and fill your rear end with buck shit.
JERRY
It’s buck shot. Try it again.
PALIN
Wait. Before we start. I just thought of something. Where can a waitress with only one leg work?
JERRY
Pirates of the Carribean?
PALIN
Nope. IHOP.
JERRY
Lord. If you’re listening, one of us has to disappear. Sarah. I’m cutting you out of the show if you don’t have your lines memorized by tomorrow.
PALIN
I’m not stupid. I returned a donut today, because it had a hole in it. I’ll be ready. You betcha!
Senator Chuck Schumer bursts through the studio door.
SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER
Welcome to the Big Apple, Jerry.
JERRY
Did you memorize your lines?
SCHUMER
Of course. I had a perfect score on my SAT. Listen, nothing you say can ruin my day.
JERRY
Why?
SCHUMER
I just hit up Michael Bloomberg for some cash for my 2020 Senate campaign.
JERRY
And what did the Bloomster get in return?
SCHUMER
Next question.
Donald and Ivanka Trump burst through the studio door.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
I’ll tell you what Little Mike got in return. A front seat in the Democrat clown car. Nobody can beat me in 2020. I’m the most corrupt president ever. That’s H-U-G-E!
IVANKA TRUMP
Oh daddy, I love you.
TRUMP
Not as much as I love you. If you weren’t my daughter, we’d be dating.
IVANKA
Hold that thought. There’s a call coming in from China. I think they need more handbags. Hello? Hello?
JERRY
Trumpster. Did you memorize your lines? You have the most in the play.
TRUMP
What play?
JERRY
The Jerry Duncan Show March 5-15 in Greenwich Village. You’ll suck the oxygen out of the room.
TRUMP
Will people be laughing at me more than they are now?
JERRY
Absolutely.
TRUMP
Done deal.
JERRY
Don’t forget to buy your tickets to my show. Here’s the skinny.
13th Street Repertory Theater
50 West 13th Street
New York, New York
13thstreetrep.org
Shows: March 5, 6, 7, 12, 13, 14 at 7:30 pm; March 8, 15 at 4:00 pm.
Tickets can be purchased at brownpapertickets.com.
Or call (800)838-3006.
Student and senior discounts.
JERRY
See you at the theater.
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Santa Claus with Donald Trump - December 16, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show interviews new cast members from The Wizard of Oz - December 12, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Looney Tunes’ Elmer Fudd - December 3, 2024
