Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Race for the White House is down to Biden, Bernie & Trump

Meaning all future debates should be sponsored by ‘The Bad Hair Club for Men.’

38% of Americans won’t buy or drink Corona because they think it will give them the coronavirus

They are also the same people who think a chocolate mousse is a big hairy animal with antlers covered in Nestle’s syrup!

Franklin Graham: “I’m not a homophobe — I’m just trying to stop gays from going to hell”

… where they’ll bring up the property value.

Bloomberg drops out of Presidential race

‪Mostly, so he could spend more time with his money.

Kendall Jenner got naked on Instagram for a futuristic selfie

Really, if she truly wants us not to recognize her, she needs to put some clothes on.

Man dressed as woman allegedly steals $37K in iPhones, iPads

So, that’s like what, 4 iPhones, a pair of iPads, and no service warranty?

Stock prices tumble: Moody’s

In fact, the sell-off was so bad, Moody’s said they’re thinking of changing their name from Moody’s to ‘Totally Depressed.’

Rep. Matt Gaetz wore a gas mask to a coronavirus vote, didn’t get the attention he was hoping for

…. and to add insult to injury, he also got voted off ‘The Masked Singer.’

Katy Perry collapses on American Idol after inhaling fumes from gas leak

She’s OK, but no word if those gas fumes were caused by a leaky valve or craft services.

Consumer DNA-testing firms are closing up shop and cutting jobs

… yeah, but, in fairness, it’s all relative …

Kelly Clarkson wore a neck-to-toe latex outfit with platform boots

Shouldn’t she have waited until Halloween if she was going to go out dressed like a condom?

Harry Belafonte, icon & activist, turns 93

Which explains his rewritten hit. ‘’Daylight Come and I Wanna Go Back to the Home.”

Google cancels its annual conference due to coronavirus

Don’t believe me? Google it!

Trump says his campaign rallies ‘very safe’ from coronavirus

… and anything else that sounds kinda from Mexico…

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)