Hey Republicans! It’s Jesus! Did Ya Miss Me?

A message from Jesus addressed to Republicans was recently forwarded by an anonymous source. Here it is.

Hi there it’s Jesus, and I have a special reunion message!

The good news is, thanks to the Supreme Court, abortion in America is gonna end!

The bad news is, no more kids are gonna be born anyway, because… Y’know, nukes ‘n’ stuff.

Kudos for the 6th Commandment effort, but it looks like the bottom block, the 1st commandment went off the reservation while you were sleeping: and you know how Jenga works, right???

Look guys, no hard feelings. I said ALL the commandments were important, not just the ones that suited us at the time.

I ALSO said, if you’d forgotten already (really? Yeah, whatever!) that you do NOT follow any false gods.

PERIOD.

Yes, that includes morons who call themselves the chosen one as a ‘joke.’

Who’s laughing now?

Do I look happy now?

I mean sorry guys, you messed up.

BIGLY!

Nope. Not funny!

I mean, I gotcha! I HATE abortion as much as you guys do, it’s kinda a big thing in the religion I brought to you.

But there are some other things that are important too, but I guess you’ll have a bit of a  chance to reacquaint yourself with those later on.

Oh wait, did I say a ‘bit of a chance?’

A loooooooong time!

But as this is just a bit of a shall we say, ‘flying visit,’ I’m afraid I can’t say much for now.

LATER! We’ll have plenty of time to discuss things when I’ve finally cleaned the planet up.

I’m no Scott Morrison of course, and the same thing applies in reverse…

And I’m gonna be pretty non-partisan about it too.

I mean, c’mon people! I said like a MILLION times, if you get everything else wrong, if you rob, lie, blitz your nostrils, destroy your liver, never do a day’s honest work in your life, then if nothing else, I repeat NOTHING ELSE, please, PLEASE for the love of God…

Do NOT follow anyone who says the Messiah is on Earth, and not in Heaven!

No false Messiahs; oh but that’s the negotiable bit?

Sorry, I kinda meant to leave yeah, but maybe now, while we’re at it…

BOOM!

THE END

…

AND ONLY, AS IT SO TURNS OUT, THE VERY BEGINNING OF IT ALL…

Originally published on Glossy News Satire.