The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host, fresh off his live stage show in NYC, interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and Vice President Joe Biden.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden, caricatures by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

Feel the Bern.

JERRY

Give me the microphone, you idiot.

JERRY

Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today my guests are Senator Bernie Sanders and Vice President Joe Biden. Good morning, fellas.

VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

I want to give a shout out to Pete Buddaduda, Boot the gig. Oh hell, Mayor Pete. For endorsing me as president. And Senator Amy Klobuchar for delivering the state of Minnesota.

SANDERS

It’s so cold there that everyone goes to the ice arena just to warm up. Big whoops. I won California.

BIDEN

The only difference between the Titanic and California is that when the Titanic sank the lights were still on.

JERRY

Bernie. You believe in Medicare for all. Joe. You say we should have a public option, but people can stay on their own health plan. What will all this cost the American taxpayer?

SANDERS

Not a nickel more than they are paying now. In fact, it will cost less and save 69,000 lives a year. We would spend $3 trillion dollars or about $460 billion less a year.

BIDEN

Did you get that figure out of MAD magazine? Look. It would be fiscally irresponsible, because you would have to raise taxes on the middle class. The Medicare bill would cost $3 to $4 dollars over a decade. I mean $300 to $400 a decade. I meant $30 to $40 trillion a decade.

SANDERS

Let me tell you a short story.

JERRY

The show is only an hour, Bernster.

SANDERS

I’ll make it quick. When I was a young boy.

JERRY

George Washington was president.

SANDERS

Excuse me. I didn’t interrupt you.

BIDEN

That’s a first. Congratulations.

SANDERS

When I was a young boy. My father rushed me to the hospital for a tonsillectomy. The doctor removed my tonsils then put them back when he found out my old man couldn’t pay the bill. Thank goodness our neighbor had pliers. That’s why I’m fighting for Medicare for all.

JERRY

Don’t you think it’s strange that you two fellas and Trump are in your 70’s?

BIDEN

Here’s the deal. Trump doesn’t dye his hair. He’s just prematurely orange.

SANDERS

Joe has hair plugs.

BIDEN

I do not, Professor Numb Nuts.

SANDERS

Sorry, Joe. I was trying to score points.

JERRY

Bernster. If you lose the primaries next Super Tuesday, it’s over.

SANDERS

I’ll win Florida. The Bubbies love me. They think I’m Larry David.

BIDEN

I got Arizona in the bag. The only state where the thermostat says “hell.”

SANDERS

And I’ll win the rest of the primary states.

BIDEN

You’re dreaming. But look. Why are we arguing with each other? We need to focus on the Trumpster.

SANDERS

I agree. There’s a shortage of toilet paper in America. What’s Trump going to do without it? He’s full of shit.

BIDEN

I know Trump has diarrhea of the mouth. God only knows what comes out of his rear.

SANDERS

KFC and McDonalds. Flush hard, Donald. It’s a long way to Mar-A-Lago.

BIDEN

Vote for Joe Biden. “The lean, mean gaff machine.”

SANDERS

Vote for Bernie Sanders.”Still crazy after all these years.”

JERRY

There’s a message on my phone. Donald Trump just declared the Corona Beer plant the epicenter of the coronavirus. Wait, there’s more! He called up the National Guard to quarantine Corona, California. The man is a stable genius.

SANDERS

Genius? There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. Trump erased the line. I’m the real genius. People tell me I look like Albert Einstein.

BIDEN

You’re no genius. I heard you went to Walgreens and complained to the manager that the walls weren’t green.

SANDERS

Yes, I did. It’s deceptive advertising. Walgreens, if you’re listening. Lower your drug costs! I’ve been buying Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it, but keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.