Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host, fresh off his live stage show in NYC, interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and Vice President Joe Biden.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Feel the Bern.
JERRY
Give me the microphone, you idiot.
JERRY
Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today my guests are Senator Bernie Sanders and Vice President Joe Biden. Good morning, fellas.
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
I want to give a shout out to Pete Buddaduda, Boot the gig. Oh hell, Mayor Pete. For endorsing me as president. And Senator Amy Klobuchar for delivering the state of Minnesota.
SANDERS
It’s so cold there that everyone goes to the ice arena just to warm up. Big whoops. I won California.
BIDEN
The only difference between the Titanic and California is that when the Titanic sank the lights were still on.
JERRY
Bernie. You believe in Medicare for all. Joe. You say we should have a public option, but people can stay on their own health plan. What will all this cost the American taxpayer?
SANDERS
Not a nickel more than they are paying now. In fact, it will cost less and save 69,000 lives a year. We would spend $3 trillion dollars or about $460 billion less a year.
BIDEN
Did you get that figure out of MAD magazine? Look. It would be fiscally irresponsible, because you would have to raise taxes on the middle class. The Medicare bill would cost $3 to $4 dollars over a decade. I mean $300 to $400 a decade. I meant $30 to $40 trillion a decade.
SANDERS
Let me tell you a short story.
JERRY
The show is only an hour, Bernster.
SANDERS
I’ll make it quick. When I was a young boy.
JERRY
George Washington was president.
SANDERS
Excuse me. I didn’t interrupt you.
BIDEN
That’s a first. Congratulations.
SANDERS
When I was a young boy. My father rushed me to the hospital for a tonsillectomy. The doctor removed my tonsils then put them back when he found out my old man couldn’t pay the bill. Thank goodness our neighbor had pliers. That’s why I’m fighting for Medicare for all.
JERRY
Don’t you think it’s strange that you two fellas and Trump are in your 70’s?
BIDEN
Here’s the deal. Trump doesn’t dye his hair. He’s just prematurely orange.
SANDERS
Joe has hair plugs.
BIDEN
I do not, Professor Numb Nuts.
SANDERS
Sorry, Joe. I was trying to score points.
JERRY
Bernster. If you lose the primaries next Super Tuesday, it’s over.
SANDERS
I’ll win Florida. The Bubbies love me. They think I’m Larry David.
BIDEN
I got Arizona in the bag. The only state where the thermostat says “hell.”
SANDERS
And I’ll win the rest of the primary states.
BIDEN
You’re dreaming. But look. Why are we arguing with each other? We need to focus on the Trumpster.
SANDERS
I agree. There’s a shortage of toilet paper in America. What’s Trump going to do without it? He’s full of shit.
BIDEN
I know Trump has diarrhea of the mouth. God only knows what comes out of his rear.
SANDERS
KFC and McDonalds. Flush hard, Donald. It’s a long way to Mar-A-Lago.
BIDEN
Vote for Joe Biden. “The lean, mean gaff machine.”
SANDERS
Vote for Bernie Sanders.”Still crazy after all these years.”
JERRY
There’s a message on my phone. Donald Trump just declared the Corona Beer plant the epicenter of the coronavirus. Wait, there’s more! He called up the National Guard to quarantine Corona, California. The man is a stable genius.
SANDERS
Genius? There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. Trump erased the line. I’m the real genius. People tell me I look like Albert Einstein.
BIDEN
You’re no genius. I heard you went to Walgreens and complained to the manager that the walls weren’t green.
SANDERS
Yes, I did. It’s deceptive advertising. Walgreens, if you’re listening. Lower your drug costs! I’ve been buying Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it, but keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
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