Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

AMC says it will reduce seating capacity at its auditoriums by 50% starting Saturday

And, a special thank you to “Cats” for starting this trend.

Weinstein gets 23 years

Looks like his next company’s is going to be called ‘MiraMaximum Security!’

Andrew Gillum linked to meth overdose with two other men in South Beach hotel

Say this for Gilliam, if you were gonna get caught with two guys and meth in a South Beach Hotel and wanted as little press as possible, this would be the time.

Trump campaign fears coronavirus will hurt his re-election bid

Trump’s campaign slogan oughta be ‘Orange is the New Black Plague.’

Actor Steven Seagal charged with unlawfully touting digital asset offering

Who’s ‘Above the Law’ now, dude?!

Newt Gingrich is in Italy

Don’t worry, he’s ok, people have been social distancing from Newt for decades.

U.S Stock Market suffers worst crash since 1987, as Americans wake up to a new normal of life

Damn, checking the Stock Market is now so painful, the S&P needs to change its name to the S&M.

National Pi Day

Or, as R Squared calls, it “What about Me? Day!”

Trump says he took coronavirus test, result negative

I’m not saying Trump’s Coronavirus test was bullshit, but the results also got him into USC.

Purell has fragrance-free hand wipes

Don’t get any ideas, Gwyneth Paltrow!!!

Happy 70th Birthday, William H. Macy

Unless you had someone else use their birth certificate.

NY Post: “Faster than it looks:” Loose Florida cow keeps evading police

… that sounds like slut shaming to me…

US and Canadian jets intercept Russian reconnaissance aircraft off Alaska

While the rest of us wait for confirmation from Sarah Palin.

Mexico is considering closing its border to stop Americans bringing coronavirus into its country

… And make Canada pay for it…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)