Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tom Brady leaves the Patriots

Damn, the deflated balls on that guy!

Katie Holmes speaks out on iconic bra photo: “I didn’t want to get into trouble.”

So, in other words, she didn’t want to be up ‘Dawson’s Creek’ without a paddle.

Boy sent home from school after being caught charging kids to use hand sanitizer

Yeah, who does he think he is CVS?

Trump calls coronavirus the ‘Chinese Virus’

He planned to name it after himself, but there’s already been a swine flu.

In Israel, Benny Gantz secures recommendations from 61 members of Knesset and will get the mandate to form a new government

So, BiBi is now known as ByeBye.

Americans hoard up booze, guns, toilet paper and have their kids home 24/7

This ain’t a pandemic, it’s Dick Wolf’s IMDB.

LeBron James’ former Miami mansion surfaces for sale

And, just when I was thinking of taking my talents to South Beach!

Trump’s considering entry restrictions at US-Mex border to control spread of coronavirus in the U.S.

While Canadians are happy, it’s not called the MolsonVirus.

“I’m dealing with a f—ing global crisis”: Bernie Sanders issues a scathing response when asked if he’ll suspend his campaign

Y’think that’s bad, you should’ve heard him after watching the finale of the ‘Sopranos.’

Jeff Bezos’ fortune plummeted after Amazon was crushed in the stock market rout

…Damn, he may have to cancel his Amazon Prime…

Arnold Schwarzenegger, his pet donkey and miniature pony want you to stay home due to the coronavirus

Arnold Schwarzenegger is apparently Austrian for Michael Jackson.

Biden said he’d pick a woman as his running mate

… so, sounds like Pence won’t show up for a debate unless he’s with Mother.

Friday: Trump brags about “biggest stock market rise in history”

Monday: Stock Market – Hold my beer.

Devin Nunes clarifies that when he told people to go to the local pub, he meant a drive-thru pub

Matt Gaetz: “I’ll drink and drive to that!!!”

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)