How to Deal with a Pandemic - David Martin, Humor Times

To calm your jangled nerves, here are some reassuring things to look forward to once the pandemic finally begins to fade away.

The uncertainty surrounding the global outbreak of COVID-19 has resulted in high levels of anxiety. Hours of watching the news does little to assuage those nervous feelings and, in fact, often makes them worse.

The hope, of course, is that some expert will appear on your TV screen and calm your fears by predicting an end to this new national nightmare. Sadly, the experts seem to have no more idea than you or me as to what’s going to happen.

That’s why I’m here to provide you with some small assurances that will help calm your jangled nerves. We may not know how to end the pandemic but we can plan now for some small joys as things play out.

With any luck, the cratering economy and a self-destructing presidency will spell the end of Donald Trump’s reign with a resounding electoral defeat in November. There’s no guarantee, of course, that the miscreant will actually leave the White House but, if he won’t, it sure would be fun to see the U. S. Army perp-walk him out the door.

As the oncoming economic depression exposes more and more layers of corruption, hopefully we’ll see a new reordering of society and a sharp increase in white collar inmates. Senators Burr and Loeffler are just the tip of Washington’s corruption iceberg. Let’s take joy in freeing all those victimless drug-related criminals and replacing them with the legion of beneficiaries of America’s crony capitalism.

And won’t it be fun to see all those anti-vaxxers lining up for the new COVID-19 vaccine a year from now? I suspect their previous concerns will melt away with the possibility of avoiding the pandemic. Let’s just make sure they’re last in the vaccination lineup.

Things will undoubtedly get worse before they get better. But don’t forget to pause and take joy in the over-exuberance of the prepper population. From Idaho to Florida, the gun-toting, water-saving wackos are currently salivating at the possibility of their long-wished-for apocalypse. Imagine their disappointment when we eventually return to normal and lock them up for our safety and theirs.

Prepare for the long awaited celebration of a White House cleansing that will see the most incompetent, uncaring and corrupt Administration in history go the way of the dodo bird. Not only will top dodo Trump be given the boot, his army of fools will also be shown the door including family members Jared and Ivanka, uber-sycophant Mike Pence and modern vampire Stephen Miller.

It will also be time to celebrate the final days of America’s boobocracy. The ousting of the Trump Family will mark the end of red state rule as electoral reform, renewed political interest and changing demographics mean bye-bye to MAGA and its silly, self-destructive low-IQ electorate.

And last but not least is the hoped for renaissance of America’s social safety net. Having lived through the consequences of an ill-prepared, leaderless federal government, we can finally welcome a newly structured society with healthcare, education and a living wage for all.

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David Martin

Dave's political satire and short humor have appeared in most major North American newspapers. He is also the author of several humor collections including "Dare to be Average", "Screams & Whispers" and "King Donald I" available on Amazon.