Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Italians singing patriotic songs from balconies in Rome to lift spirits during coronavirus lockdown

While America needs to break into ‘Don’t Stand So Close to Me’ and ‘U Can’t Touch This.’

400+ Waffle Houses closed

Damn it, if the shit they serve in Waffle Houses can’t kill the Coronavirus, damn near nothing can!

Tate Donovan reacts to Sandra Bullock-Jennifer Aniston interview about dating him

Mostly to push his new VH1 Special ‘I F**ked the 90’s.’

Happy 80th birthday, Speaker Pelosi

Wonder if Trump gave you an extra-large birthday card to rip up in his face.

Rand Paul tests positive for Coronavirus

So, ‘Atlas Coughed!’

Judge Jeanine missed the first segment of her show tonight because of “technical difficulties”

… but, appropriately, she started with “Hi, my name is Jeanine…”

Former Press Secretary Sean Spicer is allowed to use one of the seats in the briefing room to ask Trump questions

So, he’s gone from ‘Dancing with the Stars’ back to ‘Tap Dancing with the Stars.’

O.J. Simpson says he’ll go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses are closed

Poor guy, must have a lead that he actual killer plays lots of golf …

Questions arise on whether Trump actually took coronavirus test

Not me, I’m not even slightly surprised Trump tested negative for the virus … Guy spends every minute of every day washing his hands of responsibility.

Coors Lite Beer being delivered right to your doorstep

… or real beer, if you call another company.

William Shatner will get ‘horse semen’ for animal breeding in divorce settlement

Though, now he’ll have to buy some horses.

Baseball Parks to remain empty

So, for the Tampa Bay Rays, business as usual.

Ben Affleck jokes that his child stardom was the reason Matt Damon started acting: he was ‘incredibly jealous’

No word if after seeing ‘Gigli,’ Damon almost quit.

Mexicans demand crackdown on Americans crossing the border

… they’re afraid of ‘Spring Break’ becoming ‘Spring Outbreak…’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)