The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Republican Uncle Jed Duncan

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Jed Duncan, his Republican uncle from Wasilla, Alaska.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. The guest today is Jed Duncan, my Republican uncle from Wasilla, Alaska.

JERRY

Good morning, Uncle Jed. I’m glad you’re not leaving the house because of the coronavirus.

JED DUNCAN

That ain’t the reason, Jerry. As you know, I’m a loner. Hardly leave my trailer except to get drunk and hunt in the woods for dinner.

JERRY

Hunting can take awhile. Ever try fast food?

JED

Yep. Yesterday, I hit a possum at 80 mph. Delicious.

JERRY

Why do you like Donald Trump? He’s lied 16,000 times in 3 years, cheated on his wives, and loves dictators like Kim Jong un in North Korea. His idea of government is the Republican goal of dismantling government.

JED

Trump is protecting our borders. My drinkin’ buddies told me that the Canadians are going to invade Alaska. That’s scary shit. And I don’t even know a Kim Kung Fu from North Carolina. Who cares anyway? Trump is a businessman.

JERRY

Have you looked at your 401K lately?

JED

You mean the stuff you spray garage springs with?

JERRY

Help me. Help you. Do you friggin understand what I’m saying?

JED

I do. I seen a rare siting. A stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets. But I got a bigger problem, Jerry.

JERRY

Finances?

JED

Nope. I swallowed an ice cube three days ago and it ain’t come out yet.

JED

Hey. Let me introduce you to my girlfriend Heidi Bird.

HEIDI BIRD

Hello. Am I really on the radio?

JERRY

(sarcastic) No. I’m from Stockholm and you just won a Nobel Prize.

BIRD

A what?

JERRY

Knock, knock.

BIRD

Who’s there?

JERRY

Geese.

BIRD

Geese who?

JERRY

Geese which finger I’m holding up?

BIRD

I understand from my honey that you don’t like our president.

JERRY

For once in your life, you’re right.

BIRD

Do you know President Trump has the number one reality show on television?

JERRY

Are you talking about reruns of The Apprentice?

BIRD

No. The White House press briefings on the coronavirus.

JED

Ain’t she the smartest woman you ever heard? She’s smarter than Fox News.

JERRY

The smartest person on Fox is Homer Simpson.

JED

It’s a close call.

JERRY

I hate to interrupt the show. This bulletin just came in. Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash in Arkansas was “the left wing”.

BIRD

And here I thought is was Elmer’s glue.

JERRY

Sounds like you two lovebirds have a beautiful romance.

BIRD

Yep. When I lean against Jed’s head, I hear crickets.

JERRY

Uncle Jed. What’s the biggest decision you made in your lifetime?

JED

That’s easy. When I sold my house so I could pay the mortgage.

JERRY

Heidi. If you have a car containing an Eskimo, Sarah Palin and Todd Palin, who is driving?

BIRD

I don’t know.

JERRY

The cop. See you tomorrow everyone.

Author
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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.