Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kendall Jenner strips down for latest Calvin Klein ad

Yup, the only thing that gets between her and her Calvin’s is a game of ‘Truth or Dare’ at NBA All Star Weekend!

Trump reached out to ARod on COVID-19 test

… Probably on how to beat a positive test!

Larry David thinks Bernie Sanders “should drop out” of presidential race

… mostly because he’s tired of schlepping to New York to do SNL …

Scientists have discovered 4 new types of sharks that can walk

No word yet on what they’ll call their soon to be announced Talent Agency.

Jeff Bezo’s donates $100 million worth of food to food banks

Which means it all could have gone through the 10 items or less line at Whole Foods.

Tiger King producers respond to Carol Baskin’s claims that documentary is “salacious and sensational”

… uh, with a thank you note?

Jerry Falwell Jr. calls for students to show up on campus at Liberty University

Hmmm, so. Liberty University doesn’t allow drinking Coronas, but it allows the Coronavirus.

Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan are reportedly making sunny California their new home

Making them the next in line to Queen Bey and Jay-Z.

April Fools’ Day, 2020

Rest of 2020 — Hold my beer!

US economy sheds 701,000 jobs in March

All ya need to know about how screwed we are, 701,000 jobs were lost in the US economy and Jared got a new one.

Clint Eastwood reflects on where it all started

Let’s just say, it was so long ago that when he made Westerns they were considered contemporary dramas.

Florida still has crowded beaches

Damn it, Florida, just because you’re shaped like a big hanging dick doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s least favorite film role? It rhymes with ‘Shmallow Malb’

… and if you think that stunk, it smells even less than her vagina candle.

Seven to nine hurricanes predicted for above-normal 2020 season

… no word yet on how many locusts…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)