New Advice Column: 'Dear Dr. Trump' - David Martin, Humor Times

Excerpts from the popular new advice column, “Dear Dr. Trump”!

When it comes to the pandemic, I like this stuff. I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it. Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president. But I don’t want to keep all this knowledge to myself. As a stable genius, I have a responsibility to help others and that’s why I’ve decided to start this new advice column. You’re welcome, America!

Dear Dr. Trump:

I’m really scared about COVID-19 and I’m afraid that I’m going to catch it. Should I be worried?

Fevered in Fresno

Dear Fevered:

If I were you, I wouldn’t worry. As I said early on, this is just like the seasonal flu. It’s basically the flu. Remember back then when I said that it was only one person from China and that it would be over soon? Well, thanks to the Democrats it has gotten worse, way worse. But you still shouldn’t worry. The warm weather’s here and that should kill the virus very, very soon, maybe even by July 4^th.

Dr. Trump

Dear Dr. Trump:

I’ve heard for weeks now that this coronavirus is highly contagious. Is that correct?

Shaking in Syracuse

Dear Shaking:

It turns out that it is, but we only found that out recently. People who say they knew it was contagious early on? They didn’t know. I didn’t know. Nobody knew. If anyone would have known back then it would have been me and, trust me, I didn’t know. By the way, I have to correct you: the name of the virus is the Wuhan virus or the Chinese virus.

Dr. Trump

Dear Dr. Trump:

I’ve heard that widespread testing is crucial to defeating this virus. Why are we so far behind in testing?

Curious in Chicago

Dear Curious:

I don’t know where you got such a stupid idea. It’s fake news. CNN and the failing New York Times keep talking about all the testing in South Korea but they don’t tell you that we’ve conducted more tests than the Koreans. Some are saying that they’ve done way more on a per capita basis but who the hell knows what per capita means? Plus it was the CDC who screwed up on this one and, of course, there’s no way I can take responsibility for that. By the way, thanks to me, for months now, anyone who wants a test can get one.

Dr. Trump

Dear Dr. Trump:

You’ve said that certain anti-malarial drugs can be effective against the virus, but some experts say that it’s best to wait for these drugs to be tested before trying them.

Gullible in Galveston

Dear Gullible:

I wouldn’t put too much stock in what so-called experts say. I have a very strong hunch that these drugs are going to be a game changer and I’m usually right. Anyway, why not go ahead and use the drugs? After all, what have you got to lose?

Dr. Trump

Dear Dr. Trump:

Our country is supposed to have a huge stockpile of medical equipment to be used in case of a pandemic. Also, someone told me a few years ago that there was a pandemic preparedness office in the White House. What happened to that?

Maskless in Manhattan

Dear Maskless:

Yes there was such an office, but I got rid of it because it was created by Obama and everything he did was useless. As for the stockpile, that, too, was Obama’s responsibility and he left it pretty much empty. I only had a little over three years to replenish it so it’s clearly not my fault.

Dr. Trump

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David Martin

Dave's political satire and short humor have appeared in most major North American newspapers. He is also the author of several humor collections including "Dare to be Average", "Screams & Whispers" and "King Donald I" available on Amazon.