Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Americans hoard up on liquor

… or, was it just Judge Jeanine …?

Israel health minister, who claims coronavirus is “divine punishment” for homosexuality, tests positive for COVID-19

Oy…

Kylie Jenner says she would rather have a “silent” sexual partner than one with a “weird accent”

While most of us would prefer Kylie be silent all the time.

Bernie Sanders is out

People are saying, “you’re next Lindsay Graham.” Oh wait… wrong out… never mind.

Trump to cut funding to the WHO

No word if that will also include the LED ZEPPLIN and the PINK FLOYD.

A Woman got an entire plane to herself to visit a dying relative

… great story except the part where they lost her luggage!

Giuliani’s says he’s taken Hydroxychloroquine

Don’t know why he’d need to, the only things that can kill him are a wooden cross, silver, daylight or a clove of garlic.

Jennifer Lopez, 50, hailed as an ‘ageless queen’ after posting ab-baring bikini selfie

Don’t get any ideas, Elton John!

Jared Kushner to play pivotal role in coronavirus fight

So, we went from the ‘My Pillow Guy’ to the “I want to cover his face with my pillow guy.”

Happy National Siblings Day

Or, as they call it in the Ozark’s, “Valentine’s Day.”

False report: Colin Kaepernick isn’t signing with NY Jets

Either way, he still wouldn’t be with a professional football team.

Julia Roberts, Gabrielle Union, Jessica Alba and more go makeup-free and show off grays while social distancing

Glad to see Hollywood stars thinking outside the Botox.

Can your marriage survive the coronavirus?

‪Proud to say my marriage is doing great in self quarantine… perhaps it’s because we live in a very, very long house and speak mostly by cell phone!

The one-spacers have won. Microsoft Word now showing 2 spaces after a period as an error

… shouldn’t that be six spaces to avoid viruses?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)