The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Act 1, Pages 5-9

Jerry and the intern move over to the radio station.

Jerry Duncan Show logo.

Scene 2 Radio Station

The intern grabs Jerry. Playfully slaps his cheeks. Jerry is pumped like a boxer with a hoody over his head. Throwing fake punches. Three gunshots are fired, as we see a silhouette of Sarah Palin behind the screen with her rifle raised in the air. The intern hands Jerry a cordless microphone.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?

INTERN

Yes, it is.

JERRY

Today on the show my guest is the former Governor of Alaska Sarah “Caribou Barbie” Palin. But before we get started, I want to mention something about my 20th class reunion at Wasilla High in Alaska. Talk about a nightmare. Classmates were jealous that I was the most successful graduate. I’m not bragging, but I was number one in my class with a solid D average. A Nobel Prize winner compared to Sarah Palin.

SARAH PALIN

(shouting) Duncan! I’m gonna reload my trusty rifle and fill your rear end with buckshot.

Intern rushes behind the screen and offers her a pill.

INTERN

Here’s a sedative to calm you down, Gov.

PALIN

I need it. Thank ya.

Jerry goes behind the screen. The intern exits.

JERRY

Hey. It’s crazy. You and I both went to Wasilla High.

PALIN

You betcha. I was on the girls basketball team when we were the state champs.

JERRY

Right. You beat out a bunch of seals and penguins. Real competition.

PALIN

That’s what I would have expected the liberal media to say. I’m gonna chew ya up and spit ya out like a bunch of whale blubber. I don’t find that amusing. What did you accomplish in high school?

Jerry holds up a paperweight.

JERRY

I made this paperweight in woodshop. It’s shaped like Richard Nixon’s nose.

PALIN

Yep. Has all the warmth and charm of an elephant’s testicle.

JERRY

Sarah. When do brunettes eat a lot of beans?

PALIN

Geez. That’s a tough one. Supper?

JERRY

Before they take a bubble bath.

PALIN

You punked me, Duncan.

JERRY

You were elected mayor of Wasilla in 1996.

PALIN

One of the first things I did was get rid of the new library.

JERRY

Aren’t books used to enlighten our minds?

PALIN

That’s why we have Fox News. No need to waste money.

JERRY

In 2006, you became the Governor of Alaska.

PALIN

Drill, baby, drill.

JERRY

That causes climate change according to most scientists.

PALIN

Tom Cruise is a scientist, so is John Travolta. What do they know? The more ice that melts, the easier it is for me to keep an eye on the Russkies.

JERRY

Out of all the people, Senator John McCain picked you to be his running mate in the 2008 presidential election.

PALIN

That was a no brainer. I’m a proud gun clingin, flag wavin American woman. I have lots of Spanx.

JERRY

Don’t you mean spunk?

PALIN

Isn’t that a dirty word? You need to go back to Wasilla High and study Dr. Seuss.

JERRY

Obama won the election. Some say you were the reason McCain tanked. Especially after the Katie Couric interview.

PALIN

Katie did a gotcha question. I had a brain fart.

JERRY

C’mon. You couldn’t name one thing you even read.

PALIN

I didn’t know if Jack and Jill magazine counted, so I clammed up. I’m highly intelligent. Did you know the Vice-President is the supreme boss in the Senate?

JERRY

Lord. If you’re listening, one of us has to disappear.

PALIN

You betcha.

JERRY

You don’t read books, but you wrote one.

PALIN

Going Rogue: An American Life. Gonna make a movie some day from the book. I want Sarah Huckabee Sanders to play me and her husband Colonel Sanders to play my hubby Todd.

JERRY

We’re out of time. Commercial everyone.

Intern claps in front of the audience.

INTERN

Two hour break. Flush hard. It’s a long way to the Burger King.

Jerry moves over to his apartment.

Scene 3 Jerry’s Apartment

Jerry paces the floor then sits in his chair. Maggie enters.

MAGGIE

You’re killing it, son. I never laughed so hard in my life. I think you actually made Sarah Palin sound intelligent. I hate to bring this up and it’s not a big deal.

JERRY

If it’s not a big deal, then why bring it up?

MAGGIE

Because it bothers me. I see a small spaghetti stain on your shirt. Maybe you should change.

JERRY

What do you do up in heaven? Follow me around with a giant telescope?

MAGGIE

Don’t make fun of me. I’m your mother. I just want you to look nice. And sit up straight or you’re going to have osteoporosis like cousin Elmer.

JERRY

Yes, mother.

MAGGIE

Do you remember that joke we told about Elmer?

JERRY

Which one? There were so many.

MAGGIE

Elmer’s so hunchback, he has to look up to tie his shoes.

JERRY

I thought you were going to say Elmer is so hunchback, he keeps money in his ankle pocket.

MAGGIE

I forgot about that one.

JERRY

Go back to nagging pops. I got stuff to do.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.