The play’s run in New York City may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all here! Today, we present Act 1, Pages 10-15.
Jerry moves over to the studio. A silhouette of Senator Bernie Sanders is behind the screen.
Scene 4 Radio Station
ANNOUNCER
From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
The intern pumps Jerry up by shaking his shoulders. Jerry throws fake punches. The intern hands him the microphone.
JERRY
Welcome to the show everyone. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
Yes, it is.
JERRY
Today on the show, my guest is the Independent Senator from Vermont Bernie Sanders. Let’s get to it.
Jerry walks behind the screen.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Bernie for 2020. What’s this nonsense about live from under a rock? I almost didn’t make it. Thank goodness I found an earthworm that knew which rock you were under.
JERRY
You look hot and sweaty. Can I get you something to drink?
SANDERS
Got an egg cream?
JERRY
A what?
SANDERS
Forget it. It’s a New York thing.
JERRY
Let’s talk about the 2016 election. You almost won the Democratic nomination.
SANDERS
I should have won. Hillary had all those super delegates before the campaign began. It was rigged. It was definitely rigged. Give America back to the people.
JERRY
But you ended up winning 23 states in the primary. Wisconsin, Michigan….
SANDERS
Washington, Oregon, West Virginia and so forth. Nobody thought I’d win anything. I had larger crowds in Seattle in one day than the Mariners had all season.
JERRY
That team sucks.
SANDERS
28,000 people in Selma, Alabama. Speaking of Alabama, I have a couple of jokes.
JERRY
Okay.
SANDERS
Why couldn’t the baby Jesus be born in Alabama?
JERRY
I don’t know.
SANDERS
Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
Both are laughing.
SANDERS
Here’s another one. Why are rectal thermometers banned in Alabama?
JERRY
Got me.
SANDERS
They cause too much brain damage.
JERRY
You should be doing weekends at The Comedy Store.
SANDERS
Better yet. I should be the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I look more like Larry David than he does.
JERRY
Let’s go over your record. You served longer than any person in Congress–27 years.
SANDERS
True.
JERRY
You were elected to the House of Representatives in 1990 and the Senate in 2006. You are a progressive voice for healthcare, campaign finance reform and climate change.
SANDERS
Let me stop you at climate change. Donald Trump and the Republicans are climate deniers. Yet 97% of scientists say it’s a fact. There’s so little sea ice left in the Arctic that polar bears are hitchhiking to Minnesota to find an ice cube. Can you imagine?
JERRY
You were a carpenter after college. Is that true?
SANDERS
Yes. I built an ark that sailed in the Atlantic for 40 days and 40 nights. Some putz named Noah ripped me off. Two of everything were on board…lions, elephants, cows, Republicans, Democrats, Independents. We ran out of food, so I had to turn back to New York.
JERRY
What happened to the ark?
SANDERS
It’s a ship in the Bangladesh Navy.
JERRY
Are you running for president again? You’re up in age.
SANDERS
Excuse me. I’m 78 years young and will be the next president of the United States. I promise every American a quart of Ben and Jerry’s Bernie’s Yearning ice cream.
JERRY
That’s fattening. A half cup is 250 calories.
SANDERS
Calories, shmalories. My motto is “Eat today, wear it tomorrow.”
JERRY
Words of wisdom from the man who knew Abe Lincoln.
SANDERS
No, no. Let me make it perfectly clear. It’s my Uncle Abe and he made a delicious chicken soup.
SANDERS
Bernie in 2020.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
Jerry exits the screen.
INTERN
Okay. That’s a wrap for today everybody.
JERRY
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Where’s my beer?
INTERN
I’ll get it.
JERRY
Everybody’s gotta believe in something. And I believe in more beer.
Jerry moves over to his apartment.
Scene 5 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry sits in his chair holding a beer can. Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
Oh, no you won’t!
JERRY
Mother?! You’re the reason I drink. I want to drown my sorrows.
MAGGIE
This will make you feel good. Last Saturday night, I was at the annual Angel Ball.
JERRY
How long will this take?
MAGGIE
Stop it. I’m trying to tell the story. Why? Are you going somewhere?
JERRY
I’m going crazy.
MAGGIE
So low and behold. Who do you think I ran into?
JERRY
Bob Dole?
MAGGIE
He’s alive, you idiot.
JERRY
Oops.
MAGGIE
No. My friends that bragged about their sons. The doctor, lawyer and accountant.
JERRY
I turned out to be just as successful.
MAGGIE
More successful.
JERRY
What?
MAGGIE
The doctor went to prison for prescribing illegal drugs. The lawyer got disbarred for embezzlement and the accountant went to jail for tax evasion. Does it get any better?
They both laugh in unison.
JERRY AND MAGGIE
Bahaha, bahaha. Boo hoo hoo, boo hoo hoo.
MAGGIE
Your mother loves you. Always remember that, son. Now about finding a nice girl to settle down with.
JERRY
Not this again.
MAGGIE
Mrs. Anderson has a niece that’s single. Never been married. Very pretty face.
JERRY
Translation. Chubby and desperate.
MAGGIE
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?
JERRY
Guys don’t have to be good looking, as long as they have money. Alright, mother. I have a show to do.
TO BE CONTINUED…
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Donald Trump Post-Election - November 19, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Mayor of Bemidji, MN - November 12, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat of Our Gang - November 6, 2024
