Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Rolling Stones remote performance — Rolling Stones’ remote performance video.

‘The Rolling Stones’ nail remote performance of a classic during ‘One World’ concert

And, if Keith Richards ain’t going outside, what the f%&k’s your excuse not to stay at home?!

Medical fetish site donates entire stock of scrubs after being contacted by “desperate’ health officials”

Damn, guess they’re going to have to find something else to play besides “Doctor.”

Dr. Phil apologizes for comparing coronavirus deaths to swimming pool deaths

Frankly, I’d rather have Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil give me medical advice. At least with Seuss, there’s a rhyme to his reason.

Joe Biden’s poll numbers have gone up among younger people

Probably because, just like them, he’s moved into his family’s basement with no signs of ever moving out.

Kristin Cavallari and Husband Jay Cutler are getting divorced after 10 years together

I’m shocked, shocked he ever made a pass at anyone that was completed!

Florida again has crowded beaches

Damn it, Florida, just because you’re shaped like a big hanging dick doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

If Kim Jong Un dies, his younger sister is primed to take over

Makes sense, Trump always eventually goes for the Hotter, Jonger Un.

Happy 420 Day

One question: What day is it again?

Watch Kim Kardashian squeeze into skin-tight Balmain latex suit she wore for Paris fashion week

You’d think she’d wait until Halloween to dress up as an action hero condom.

Proxy firm wants Shaq off Papa John’s board for missing too many meetings

And, still taking advantage of all the free delivery.

Princess Cruises say they will stay shutdown until January

… but the buffet lines will remain open.

Exclusive: Neiman Marcus to file for bankruptcy as soon as this week

Look for it to now be called Neiman Markdown.

Don’t inject disinfectants, Lysol warns as Trump raises idea

Personally, I’m just hoping the Lysol keeps me alive long enough to see my 409K retirement fund recover.

Records show smugglers sawed into Trump’s border wall 18 times in one month in the San Diego area

… sadder still, they were escaping into Mexico …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)