The play’s run in New York City may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all here!
Today, we present Act 1, Pages 16-23.
Scene 6 Radio Station
Jerry moves over to the radio station and stands in front of the screen. The intern playfully slaps his face. He is pumped. Mike Pence’s silhouette is visible.
JERRY
Who’s next?
INTERN
Mike Pence.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Is it a good morning?
INTERN
Yes, it is. That’s right.
JERRY
Today on the show my guest is the 48th Vice President of the United States Mike Pence.
Jerry goes behind the screen.
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE
God bless you and all that you do.
JERRY
You got the wrong dude. I’m not Pat Boone.
PENCE
Jesus?
JERRY
I know you’re a religious man. You, my friend just met Satan.
PENCE
Is this The Jerry Springer Show?
JERRY
Congratulations. The blood test came back and you’re the father of Bart Simpson.
PENCE
What am I going to tell my wife? Forgive me, Mother.
JERRY
Calm down, fella. It’s a joke.
PENCE
Oh. Thank goodnesss. The Lord could have water boarded me.
JERRY
Speaking of torture. Aren’t you working for an asshole?
PENCE
People underestimate Donald Trump. He’s signed more laws in 100 days than any president in office.
JERRY
They’re not laws. Ever hear the words Executive Order? Name one that benefits Americans.
PENCE
Being White.
JERRY
You believe in abstinence. What’s wrong with guys using rubbers?
PENCE
No, no, no. We need latex for gloves. Restaurants and hospitals could disappear.
JERRY
So would good old fun in the back seat of a car. Now once and for all. Did the Russians interfere with our 2016 elections? 17 intelligence agencies concluded “yes.” But Trump said it could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds. What do you believe?
PENCE
I only know one person who weights 400 pounds. That’s my good friend Chris Christie. I have to disagree with the president.
JERRY
You heard it here, folks. The Russians hacked our elections. The Trumpster is going to give you a spanking, Mikey.
PENCE
He probably tweeted something bad about me.
JERRY
Through the magic of social media, here’s the tweet. “I’m cleaning out your desk, Veep. You’ll find your things on the White House lawn. Sad.”
PENCE
I can’t believe it. I was so close to being president. Mother already measured the drapes in the White House. That’s how confident we were he’d resign.
JERRY
If it’s any consolation, here’s a going away present. It’s a good book.
PENCE
(excited) The Bible?
JERRY
You might say that.
PENCE
I never heard of 50 Shades of Grey.
JERRY
Lots of stories about sinners. Enjoy. See you after the commercial.
INTERN
Two hour break everybody. The roach coach is outside if you’re hungry.
Jerry moves over to his apartment.
Scene 7 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry is seated in his chair. He is interrupted by the intern.
INTERN
Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
Damn it. I have to make a phone call.
He hangs up the phone and looks straight ahead.
JERRY
Never mind. What is it?
INTERN
I always wanted to ask how you started in this business.
The intern begins stripping down to his briefs.
JERRY
Well. I was an intern at a small radio station with only five employees. Learned how to operate an audio console, write copy for news broadcasts and make cold, shitty coffee just like you. Anything I was asked to do.
The intern is standing in his briefs.
INTERN
How did you get your own show?
JERRY
Funny story. One of the hosts of Morning Star quit on the air. So I grabbed the microphone and started ripping Little Johnny jokes. The switch board lit up and I was an overnight sensation. Had my own show the next day.
INTERN
Cool. You’re an inspiration, Mr. Duncan.
Jerry turns around to see the intern in his briefs holding a pencil between his teeth.
JERRY
What the hell are you doing?
INTERN
That’s what the girls on Fox News do.
Jerry moves over to the radio station.
Scene 8 Radio Station
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Welcome back everybody. Is it s good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show we have a very special guest. The 43rd president of the United States George W. Bush.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W.BUSH
Muchos Taco Bell, Amigos.
JERRY
Whatever, El Stupido.
BUSH
Before we get started, I brought you a gift.
JERRY
A bale of hay from your ranch?
The sound of crumpling paper.
BUSH
No. Painted a portrait of you.
JERRY
That’s not me. It’s Steve Bannon.
BUSH
Oops. Wrong monster.
JERRY
You were the president for two terms. The first election in 2008, you beat Al Gore by just 537 votes. The Supreme Court had to declare the winner.
BUSH
That’s because of confused Hebrews in Florida.
JERRY
You were a drunk before you met your wife Laura.
BUSH
That’s right, partner. I drank everything I could get my hands on. Crashed my old man’s car into a pole.
JERRY
Was the pole damaged?
BUSH
No. But an Italian walking with him was slightly injured.
JERRY
Did you go to jail?
BUSH
No. I had a Get Out Of Jail Free card that I kept from Monopoly.
JERRY
Laura saved your ass.
BUSH
Yes, sir. She was the original desperate housewife.
JERRY
You worked on your father’s presidential campaign in 1988. Then became the Governor of Texas from 1995-2000.
BUSH
And that’s how I learned about the Axis of Evil.
JERRY
North Korea, Iraq and Iran. Right?
BUSH
Wrong. OJ Simpson, Charles Manson and Son of Sam.
JERRY
Your first year as president, the Twin Towers in New York City were attacked by Saudi terrorists on September 11, 2001. What was going on in your head?
BUSH
Where’s the nearest bathroom?
JERRY
You are delusional.
BUSH
I’m Methodist.
JERRY
You started wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I understand why you wanted to smoke out Osama bin laden, the mastermind behind 9/11. But why Saddam Hussein?
BUSH
Why not? It’s only a 10 hour plane ride from Afghanistan to Iraq. I have plenty of frequent flier miles. (chuckles) Hehehe.
JERRY
Let’s discuss your time in office. You increased Federal spending and cut taxes for the wealthy.
BUSH
(chuckles) My peeps.
JERRY
Not funny. When you took office, there was a $237 billion dollar surplus. When you left office eight years later, there was a deficit of $162 billion.
BUSH
It’s Newton’s law of gravy. What goes up must come down.
JERRY
My urologist told me that before I took Viagra. What about Hurricane Katrina? You didn’t do a damn thing in New Orleans for two days.
BUSH
Hey. Look at the bright side. There was fishin in the French Quarter. I caught me a big Red Snapper on Bourbon Street.
JERRY
What do you think of our man Trump being elected president?
BUSH
Because of the Donald, I’m no longer a joke.
JERRY
That’s your opinion, fella. Time to end this show. See you after the commercial.
Jerry shakes Bush’s hand who is seen giggling.
INTERN
All right. Be back here in two hours. Woody Allen is next.
TO BE CONTINUED…
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Mayor of Bemidji, MN - November 12, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat of Our Gang - November 6, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Birthday Surprise - October 29, 2024
