The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Pages 24-31

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The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!

Jerry Duncan Show play
Jerry Duncan Show logo.

Jerry moves over to his apartment.

Scene 9  Jerry’s Apartment

Jerry sits on his chair. Maggie enters.

MAGGIE

It’s me.

JERRY

Not now. I need some time to myself.

MAGGIE

I was hoping you’d want to know what I’m up to since you never have me in your thoughts.

JERRY

How would you know?

MAGGIE

Remember. I can read your mind.

JERRY

Don’t tell me that. My head is going to explode.

MAGGIE

Calm down. Your blood pressure is rising.

MAGGIE

I joined an exercise class. Mrs. Mandel had been giving me her fabulous chopped liver. It’s so delicious that I gained fifteen pounds.

JERRY

That’s bad.

MAGGIE

Had no idea chopped liver was so fattening.

JERRY

I thought you knew everything.

MAGGIE

Your father said I shouldn’t worry about gaining a few pounds. Fat people are harder to kidnap.

JERRY

Have you heard about the seafood diet?

MAGGIE

No.

JERRY

You see the food and you eat it.

MAGGIE

Always with a smart remark.

JERRY

That’s how I make a living.

MAGGIE

I know. My son the insult comedian.

MAGGIE

Your father got hired to work on the wall to keep out the Trump family. It was so nice of the Lord to pay for it.

The intern enters.

INTERN

Hey, Mr. Duncan. That was a really good show with W. If you ever need a co-host…

The intern removes his shirt.

JERRY

Whoa. Get me a water bottle.

INTERN

I will. Thank you for my job and not paying me.

The intern exits.

MAGGIE

Shame on you for not paying your intern.

JERRY

What. Bill Clinton didn’t pay Monica Lewinsky.

MAGGIE

But at least he gave her a gift.

JERRY

Yeah. A spot remover.

The intern returns with a water bottle.

INTERN

Here’s your water.

JERRY

Starting today, you’re getting paid.

INTERN

(excited) What can I say?

JERRY

Wait until you look at your first check.

Jerry and the intern move over to the radio station.

Scene 10  Radio Station

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Intern hands Jerry the microphone. A silhouette of Woody Allen can be seen pacing back and forth behind the screen.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?

INTERN

A real good morning. I’m getting paid.

JERRY

Yes, you are. Today on the show my guest is movie director and writer Woody Allen.

Jerry goes behind the screen.

JERRY

Hi Woody.

WOODY

Hello.

JERRY

You seem to have anxiety.

WOODY

I haven’t had a bowel movement in three days. All because my agent told me to do your show.

JERRY

Smart move. I’ll scare the crap out of you.

WOODY

Then ask me anything.

JERRY

How’s Sunny?

WOODY

You mean Soon-Yi.

JERRY

Whatever.

WOODY

She’s doing great. I bought her a new wok and she’s cooking up a storm. We eat lots of vegetables and chopped chicken Korean style.

JERRY

Have you ever tried North Korean food?

WOODY

No.

JERRY

Neither have North Koreans.

JERRY

You met Soon-Yi when she was a teenager. While you were dating her mother Mia Farrow.

WOODY

I know what you’re probably thinking.

JERRY

Trust me, you don’t. You’re bat shit crazy.

WOODY

I can’t invent characters like you, Duncan. You remind me of my nasty mother Cherry. For her own amusement, I was blindfolded and shoved in a locked closet. Then a hour later, she pounded on the door and yelled “Fire. Everyone out of the house.” My dysfunctional family. When I was ten, they moved to Brooklyn. When I was twelve, I found them.

JERRY

When did you realize that you were funny?

WOODY

After being kicked out of college, I started writing jokes. Some television shows bought them and I eventually got a job writing scripts.

JERRY

Did you leave home?

WOODY

I had to. Women were knocking on my door to get in show biz.

JERRY

The thought is making me ill.

WOODY

Would you like some marijuana?

JERRY

No. I’ll wait until our interview is over, so I can jump off a bridge. Tell me about Diane Keaton.

WOODY

Diane was bulimic. A barfer. Very nervous like me. After we’d make love, she’d throw up. I asked my shrink, Was it me? Was it her? Was she thinking about Groucho Marx?

JERRY

Hey, Woody. What does Diane call two fingers?

WOODY

Tell me.

JERRY

Dessert.

WOODY

Diane was in some of my movies. My favorite was Annie Hall. I won an Academy Award for Best Screenplay and Best Director.

JERRY

You starred in many of the films you wrote.

WOODY

Yes. Bananas, Crimes and Misdemeanors and Take The Money and Run.

JERRY

Sounds like the Harvey Weinstein story. Do you have hobbies?

WOODY

I play clarinet every Monday evening at the Carlyle Hotel in New York City.

JERRY

Clarinet? That instrument is for geeks.

WOODY

I know. I leave it on my dashboard so I can get handicap parking.

JERRY

This is a political show. Can’t let you leave without asking what you think of Trump.

WOODY

He’s a bully. Like the jerk that stuffed me in a locker when I was in high school. The guy that kicked sand in my face at the beach. The douche bag that called me names like stupid, four eyes, ugly and freak when I was in elementary school.

JERRY

That’s okay. Six of the seven dwarfs are not Happy. Hey, I hear you do magic.

WOODY

Yes. I’m going to perform a magic trick on your show.

JERRY

What’s that stick you just pulled out of your back pocket?

WOODY

It’s a magic wand. Let me show you how it works.

JERRY

Sure.

Woody walks up to Jerry. Puts the wand on his head.

WOODY

I’m going to tap three time on your empty head. Close your eyes and count to three.

The sound of a wood block is heard to each count.

JERRY

One, two, three.

WOODY

Open your eyes.

JERRY

You’re so tall. And I’m so small. How come I have a bunch of arms?

WOODY

I turned you into a cockroach. People call you one, but I made it happen.

JERRY

You can’t do that you scrawny twerp.

WOODY

I’m going to squish you under my foot.

JERRY

No, Wood-Yi. I need to insult more people. You’re sick. Call your shrink. Help!

WOODY

Gotta do it. If there is a nuclear war, all that would be left is you and Ted Cruz. Say good-bye, Duncan.

JERRY

Please. I’ll do anything if you let me be human again.

WOODY

Okay. Get down on all fours and bark like a dog.

Jerry circles like a dog on his hands and knees.

JERRY

Woof, woof.

WOODY

You can do better.

JERRY

Woof, woof, woof, woof.

WOODY

Stand up. Close your eyes.

Jerry stands. Woody taps his head with the wand three times to the sound of a wood block.

JERRY

I see fingers! I can wiggle my toes! I’m human again!

WOODY

That’s a stretch, Duncan.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

Jerry comes from behind the screen.

JERRY

Intern. Get me a cup of coffee. My nerves are shot.

INTERN

Absolutely. You’re lucky to be alive, Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

Do you know the difference between coffee and your opinion?

INTERN

No, sir.

JERRY

I asked for coffee.

INTERN

(running) Right away, Mr. Duncan. I love my job.

The intern exits.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Dean Kaner
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