Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews businesswoman, author and television personality, Martha Stewart.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is entrepreneur Martha Stewart. She is a businesswoman, author and television personality.
MARTHA STEWART
And convicted felon for insider trading.
JERRY
Forgot about that.
STEWART
Not me. Back in 2004, I spent five months in a Federal correction facility with a bunch of morons. The good thing. I learned not to argue with people whose IQ came back negative.
JERRY
Do you know why inmates can’t read a clock?
STEWART
No.
JERRY
Cause it’s hard time.
STEWART
Duncan. I don’t look back. My cousin who stutters was sentenced to six months in prison. That was two years ago and he still hasn’t finished a sentence.
JERRY
You started in business as a youngster.
STEWART
Yes. When I was ten, I baby sat for Yankee slugger Mickey Mantle’s kids.
JERRY
Wasn’t Mickey a switch hitter?
STEWART
I never asked about his personal life.
JERRY
Let me, help you. He batted left and right.
STEWART
Whatever. I’m not a switch hitter. Got married right out of college to Andrew Stewart.
JERRY
And you didn’t live happily ever after. Divorced after 29 years, one kid. Nasty. People say you’re the PMS poster child from hell. Is that an accurate description?
STEWART
Everybody comes to the same conclusion. It’s because of my Polish heritage.
JERRY
Why? Do you have an inferiority complex?
STEWART
Just the opposite. I’m a proud Pole. I heard today that Poland just bought 10,000 septic tanks. As soon as they learn how to drive them, they are going to invade Russia. We won’t need NATO troops on the border.
JERRY
So how did you learn to sew and cook?
STEWART
My mother. I made everything from chicken dishes to tacos. Which reminds me. May 5 is Cinco de Mayo. I’m making a giant taco for Trump. It will blow his pants off. Not a pleasant site, as you can imagine.
JERRY
I’m getting chills. Moving on. You had your first cookbook published in 1982. Then in 1990 developed a new magazine called Martha Stewart Living. And a long running television show by the same name.
STEWART
I was rolling in the big bucks. That’s when I got rid of my husband. I thought I was God and he didn’t.
JERRY
So you dated Sir Anthony Hopkins.
STEWART
Until I saw Silence of the Lambs. That’s when I called it off. I kept seeing Hannibal Lecter. I feared for my life.
JERRY
It was just a movie.
STEWART
That’s what I thought until one night when we were having dinner. Anthony said, “Well, Martha, have the Lambs stopped screaming?” I went postal.
JERRY
Hey. Don’t knock postal workers. They are some of the most innovative people around.
STEWART
Why do you say that?
JERRY
Because they really push the envelope.
STEWART
Jestes waiatem.
JERRY
What does that mean?
STEWART
It’s Polish for “You are a lunatic.”
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Meanie Meanster.
JERRY
In 2018, The Trumpster offered you a pardon. You refused. Let me quote from a Tweet. “I will not accept a pardon from Trump. Although my prosecution was over-zealous, I can’t be party to what this country is becoming. This pardon will ruin my reputation.”
STEWART
Yep. I’m hailed as a hero. Call me Queen Martha.
JERRY
Knock, knock.
STEWART
Who’s there?
JERRY
Queen.
STEWART
Queen who?
JERRY
Queen your mouth. Your breath smells. See you tomorrow everyone.
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