Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

White House blocking Fauci from testifying before Congress about coronavirus response

Paging Brad Pitt. Paging Brad Pitt. Paging Brad Pitt.

IKEA reveals the recipe for their Swedish meatballs

Unfortunately, every one of their recipes is missing at least one key ingredient.

Mike Huckabee lost his lawsuit to go on a beach during the pandemic

In fairness to Mike, he’s pretty safe; people have been social distancing from him for decades.

Biden begs off questions about University of Delaware documents in his first Tara Reade interview

Biden should say one of the things in his archives is Trump’s tax returns… that’ll quiet them down.

Happy 87th Birthday, Willie Nelson

… a man whose very existence could be called the big bong theory.

Top Russian doctor falls out of 5th floor window during conference call to bosses complaining about lack of PPE for medics

So, natural causes…

Pence takes heat for not wearing mask at Mayo Clinic

Pence is so white he probably thought the Mayo Clinic was named after him.

Oil getting crushed again with one futures contract down 98% to record low

Jeez, the gas you get from Slim Jim’s and cheese nachos at the mini mart is now more expensive than the gas you get at the pump.

NASCAR talking “Start Your Engines”

Guess the drivers don’t have to worry about the coronavirus if their cars are sponsored by Lysol and Clorox.

‘One Direction’ planning a reunion

Makes sense, with restaurants closed most of those guys except Harry Styles are jobless.

White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany: “I will never lie to you. You have my word on that”

Looks like another case of sarcasm!

Trump dragged for latest anti-media rant: Sorry, there are no ‘Noble’ prizes for Journalism

But, I’m thinking they should have ‘Noble Prizes’ for ‘Stabel Geniuses.’

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore self-isolate together with their children 20 years after divorce

… although, look for Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis to play them in the movie version.

Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Garner, and Kourtney Kardashian own the same butt-lifting leggings

… Hmmm, you’d think they’d be rich enough to not have to share…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)