The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
The intern exits.
Jerry takes out his cell phone. The silhouette of a girl is seen behind the screen. The phone rings. She answers.
GIRLS VOICE
Hello?
JERRY
Hi. Is this Ginger Daniels?
GIRLS VOICE
Who are you?
JERRY
I’m glad you asked. My name is Gerald Dunkin. You might be familiar with my company. Dunkin Donuts?
GIRLS VOICE
Holy crap. You own Dunkin Donuts? Did I win a free dozen?
JERRY
Not exactly. You see, I got your mail by mistake.
GIRLS VOICE
No worries. Just have your wife return it to the post office.
JERRY
I’m not married.
She jumps up and down.
GIRLS VOICE
(talking to herself) My mother always told me to marry someone rich. Thank you, Jesus.
JERRY
Hello? Hello? Are you there?
She picks up the phone.
GIRLS VOICE
I’m sorry. Must be a bad connection.
JERRY
So what do you do for a living, Ginger?
GIRLS VOICE
I’m a dancer.
JERRY
Oh? What’s your specialty?
GIRLS VOICE
Poles.
JERRY
Like polkas?
GIRLS VOICE
No. Strip clubs. Ever hear of Stormy Daniels?
JERRY
Trump’s babe?
GIRLS VOICE
She’s my little sister.
JERRY
We need to meet. I’ll bring your mail.
GIRLS VOICE
What do you have in mind, Mr. Donuts?
JERRY
Denny’s on 4th and Main. Dinner is on me.
GIRLS VOICE
Darn. I just ate there yesterday. Do you have another suggestion?
JERRY
Wendy’s or Popeyes. Your choice.
GIRLS VOICE
Wendy’s.
JERRY
A little pricey, but what the heck. How about Tuesday at 6:30?
GIRLS VOICE
That works. In the meantime, would you like my picture?
(giggles) Have to warn you. I’m in my birthday suit.
JERRY
Maybe. Of course I do!
GIRLS VOICE
Good. I’ll text it. See you Tuesday.
She hangs up the phone.
GIRLS VOICE
Shit. I forgot to ask which Wendy’s. I better call back.
Voice mail is heard.
JERRY
You idiot. This is The Jerry Duncan Show. Leave a message.
GIRLS VOICE
Fuck you, Jerry Duncan. I wouldn’t go out if you paid me for a lap dance. Listen carefully. Return my mail to the post office immediately or I’ll call the FBI.
Jerry moves over to his apartment.
Scene 11 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry sits in his chair talking to himself.
JERRY
The slum lord sold this dump to the city. They’re leveling the place next month. I don’t know how to break the news to my roaches.
Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
Did I hear right, Jerry? You’re forced to vacate? Must be divine intervention.
JERRY
I don’t know. Ask your boss.
MAGGIE
She’s too busy dealing with Donald Trump.
JERRY
The Lord must love stupid people. He made SO many.
MAGGIE
Jerry. You may recall from biology class that you have two parts of the brain–left and right. In the left side, there’s nothing right. In the right side, there’s nothing left.
JERRY
Very interesting. I need to call Sarah Palin so she won’t worry.
MAGGIE
Don’t forget Roseanne while you’re at it.
JERRY
So what’s new?
MAGGIE
You remember Sven Johnson?
JERRY
The idiot that was always talking to himself? He was never normal after his sled crashed into a moose.
MAGGIE
Yeah. Well, Sven has been a bus driver up here since he passed away 10 years ago.
JERRY
What about him?
MAGGIE
He lost his job today, because he gave up his seat to Helen Keller. It was frightening for the passengers. Keller had one hand on the wheel and the other hand on the road when she was pulled over by the cops.
JERRY
No wonder Sven’s family moved out of Alaska without telling hm.
MAGGIE
Jerry. How do you get a landlord out of a tree?
JERRY
No clue.
MAGGIE
Cut the branch.
JERRY
(to himself) No wonder I’m single. My shrink said a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
TO BE CONTINUED…
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Mayor of Bemidji, MN - November 12, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat of Our Gang - November 6, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Birthday Surprise - October 29, 2024
