Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, via heavenly hologram.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Through the magic of a hologram, from heaven my guest is the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Won’t you be my neighbor?
JERRY
That’s Mister Rogers, you idiot.
LINCOLN
Duncan. Four score and seven years ago your mother stripped at my bachelor party.
JERRY
Okay, wise guy. What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
LINCOLN
I don’t know.
JERRY
Broke!
JERRY
You were born in a Kentucky log cabin in 1809.
LINCOLN
My family was so poor, the ducks used to throw bread at us. But I was determined to succeed. I became a lawyer. Argued 175 cases in the Illinois Supreme Court.
JERRY
Why did you quit?
LINCOLN
I wanted an easy job, so I ran for Congress. I was a Whig, then a Republican.
JERRY
Republican? If you were in that party today your nickname would be “Dishonest Abe.”
LINCOLN
Yes. I’m concerned that our obsession with Trump is distracting us from how terrifying the rest of the party is.
JERRY
The Republican Party. Same trailer. Different park.
LINCOLN
I was elected to Congress from Illinois. Married Mary Todd and had 3 kids. It wasn’t all roses. I was depressed, had smallpox and malaria.
The studio door slams shut. President Donald Trump enters.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
Abe. Did you say malaria?
TRUMP
I have the cure. I have the cure. It’s called hydroxyhloroquine. Only $37 for 100 pills at Walgreens. What do you got to lose?
JERRY
He’s dead, Orange Marmalade.
TRUMP
Fake news. Lincoln has a big room in the White House, a statue on the National Mall and makes a few bucks at Mount Rushmore. I’d say those are good investments.
JERRY
Lincoln is the greatest president in the history of the United States. He freed the slaves and ended the Civil War. You started one again.
TRUMP
C’mon. Some of my best friends are African American. Reverend Al Sharpton.
JERRY
Said you are “a White Nationalist.”
TRUMP
Reverend Jesse Jackson.
JERRY
Said you are “dangerous, divisive and diversionary.”
TRUMP
Comedian Chris Rock.
JERRY
Said you are “a bully and nobody knows how to handle you.”
TRUMP
Two out of three ain’t bad.
TRUMP
Hey. I have a question for Abe.
LINCOLN
Go ahead, Trumpster.
TRUMP
Did your old man go sideways when you chopped down the cherry tree?
LINCOLN
That was George Washington. Don’t you read books?
TRUMP
Well. Does Dr. Seuss count? Cat In The Hat, Horton Hatches The Egg. Educational. Educational.
JERRY
That’s beyond your comprehension.
TRUMP
Did you know John Wilkes Booth was one of the greatest stand-up comedians in history? I heard he really killed it at Ford’s Theatre.
LINCOLN
Yeah. I was really having a great time at the theatre until I asked Booth for a headshot.
JERRY
This interview is going south.
TRUMP
Those are my peeps.
LINCOLN
Trumpster. What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
TRUMP
Rush Limbaugh?
LINCOLN
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal in front of the cage along with a recipe.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
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