Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tom Hanks’ blood will be used to develop COVID-19 vaccine

… you’ll know it’s taken effect when you have a sudden urge to give an acceptance speech.

Kim Jong Un seen alive

Apparently, Kim Jong Un is North Korean for Freddy Krueger.

Belgians are being called upon to eat fries at least twice a week as more than 750,000 tons of potatoes are at risk of being thrown away

We’re counting on you, Belgians, don’t waffle!

Biden appears to lengthen lead over Trump

Yup, the latest numbers show Trump leading Biden by over twenty harassments.

Axl Rose and Treasury Secretary Mnuchin have a Twitter beef

So, Axl’s gone from feuding with Slash to feuding with ‘Slash Medicare and Social Security.’

Hillstone Restaurant in Dallas is telling its employees they can’t wear a mask

… they might as well just change their name from Hillstone to Tombstone.

Kate Beckinsale thinks Goody Grace is the ‘perfect quarantine boyfriend,’ source says

Well, at least until Boy Toys R’ Us offers home delivery.

J. Crew files for bankruptcy protection

Or, as it will now be known, J. Screwed.

Monstrous ‘murder hornets’ have reached the U.S

So, what’s Trump going to do about it, tell people to get injected with Raid and drink insect repellent!

Man found camping out on Disney World’s abandoned Discovery Island park during shutdown

Would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it he hadn’t kept singing “It’s a Small World” over and over again…

European Space Agency: Human urine could help make concrete on Moon

So, they’ll be able to build a wall and make the Martians pay for it.

3 McDonald’s workers shot in customer attack over coronavirus limits

Damn, the Hamburglar ain’t playing.

Trump didn’t wear mask at mask making factory

That’s like a Kardashian visiting an underwear factory!

Twitter’s asks users to watch their language before sending tweets

… F&%k off, Twitter…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)