Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews members of the newly formed Coronavirus Task Force.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. I have in studio members of the newly formed Coronavirus Task Force. They are President Donald Trump, Vice President Mike Pence, Dr. Deborah Birx and comedian Pee-wee Herman.
PEE-WEE HERMAN
(laughs) We’re 6 feet apart. HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA.
JERRY
President Donald Trump.
DONALD TRUMP
No collusion. No obstruction. Fake news.
JERRY
Vice President Mike Pence.
MIKE PENCE
Let me quote the Bible. “And Balaam rose up in the morning and saddled his ass.”
TRUMP
Sounds like the day after a wild night at Mar-a-Lago.
DR. DEBORAH BIRX
We need to quarantine Balaam for 14 days. He tested positive for coronavirus.
JERRY
Lots there to digest. But let’s start with testing. There are not enough tests to reopen the entire economy.
TRUMP
Not everybody needs to be tested. Waste of money. Waste of money. The coronavirus will disappear.
PENCE
No, Mr. President. We need testing. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
TRUMP
Good point. Love my Veep. Love my Veep.
BIRX
We can use thermometers.
JERRY
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
BIRX
The taste.
HERMAN
(laughs) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA.
JERRY
Pee-wee. I understand you have an announcement to make.
HERMAN
Yeah. The Pee-wee line of clothing is discounted now in stores. In fact, my pants are half off.
JERRY
Dr. Birx. What is your Task Force doing to get rid of the coronavirus?
BIRX
We’re going to have social distancing for the next 8 months. Everyone will be 6 feet apart. Also, face masks must be worn indefinitely at grocery stores, restaurants, hair salons, nail salons and barber shops.
HERMAN
What if I want to rob a bank?
BIRX
You need to wear a face mask.
TRUMP
I won’t wear one. It makes me look like I care about the virus instead of the economy. People need to go back to work. Meat packers especially, so I can have McDonald’s cheeseburgers and KFC chicken. Meat packing plants are essential.
JERRY
You aren’t, Trumpster.
TRUMP
I agree. Furloughed myself so I can watch Fox News. Virus out of Wuhan lab, Dr. Fauci is a dictator, coronavirus goes away with Lysol injection. Brilliant minds. Brilliant minds.
JERRY
No proof.
TRUMP
Okay. Coronavirus was from a fortune cookie at Panda Express.
JERRY
No.
TRUMP
A 500 pound bat hanging upside down in a cave somewhere in Wisconsin.
BIRX
Mr. Vice President. This question is for you.
PENCE
Sure.
BIRX
Why is working at McDonald’s like being an archeologist in Athens?
PENCE
I don’t know.
BIRX
You end up smelling like ancient grease.
HERMAN
(laughs) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA. I’m going to steal that joke for a sequel to Pee-wee’s Playhouse.
PENCE
Thou shall not steal, Pee-wee.
HERMAN
Veep. I’m not the one that works in the White House. (laughs) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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