The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 49-54

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!

Scene 3 Radio Station

Jerry Duncan Show logo.

The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks. Jerry’s pumped as he throws fake punches in the air.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

The intern hands him a microphone.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?

INTERN

You bet it is. Yes, siree.

JERRY

We have a special guest today, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.

A silhouette is seen of Henry Kissinger behind the screen. Jerry joins him.

JERRY

Hi big fella.

KISSINGER

(German accent) Jerry, Jerry. How var you?

JERRY

Miserable as usual.

KISSINGER

(chuckles) Is your glass half full?

JERRY

No. It’s completely empty like your head. Let’s discuss the state of affairs in the United States. We have a president under siege, because the Russians hacked our elections and there could be collusion with the Trumpster and his associates. Our allies think we suck. And scary-looking Kathy Griffin gave Barron Trump nightmares.

KISSINGER

Vell. Let me answer the most important ting you mentioned. Barron Trump needs to see a psychiatrist, because he has nightmares from Kathy Griffin and his fadder. He tinks the guy running the Vhite House is a bad actor. That it’s all fake news. Barron also believes Kathy Griffin has a crush on his fadder. The only crush Trump gave a woman vas vhen he grabbed her pussy. Does that make sense?

JERRY

No, but what the hell. You’re a doctor.

KISSINGER

I’m not a medical doctor.

JERRY

You should be a proctologist. You, my friend have met a lot of assholes.

KISSINGER

You mean like the one I’m looking at right now?

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

JERRY

What was it like working for President Richard Nixon? Another scandal ridden White House.

KISSINGER

Ve vere nervous during Vatergate. There vas the break-in to the Democratic National Committee in 1972 to get dirt on candidates who vere running against Nixon. At the time, I had no idea he vas behind it. This dragged on for two years until Tricky Dick got caught. In those days, vhen somevone broke the law, people gave a shit and did something about it. Congress members hounded Nixon.

JERRY

What was he thinking?

KISSINGER

He vas a control guy and tought he could handle everything. Nonsense. And Trump vill learn the same ting. I remember in 1974, Nixon vanted me to pray vit him, but neither von of us believed in God. He vas messed up. Tought the Canadians vere going to invade the United States. Then he told me The Beverly Hillbillies vere liberal Democrats. He vas nuts and resigned.

JERRY

Watergate is stamped on his forehead forever.

KISSINGER

No. It’s on his nose vich grew tvelve inches overnight after he kept telling everybody, “I am not a crook.”

JERRY

You were in the Battle of the Bulge during World War 2 and earned a bronze star.

KISSINGER

I did.

JERRY

Speaking of the Battle of the Bulge, you’re still fighting that war.

KISSINGER

Vhat?

JERRY

It’s a joke. Bulge? Big tummy?

KISSINGER

Vell. I do like Dunkin Donuts tvice a day vit my milkshake.

JERRY

You’ve been a foreign policy advisor to presidents from Nixon to Reagan. Even gave the Trumpster some advice.

KISSINGER

I tried. Last veek, I vent to the Vhite House to see Trump. I varned him to be careful of the Reds.

JERRY

You mean the Russians?

KISSINGER

Of course. Dat’s vhat I meant. Vhat else vould a rational person tink?

JERRY

And did he take your advice?

KISSINGER

Trump told me dat he tought the Dodgers vere a much better team. Good pitching, excellent hitting. Rex Tillerson vas right. He is a moron.

JERRY

You’ve had so many achievements. Just answer true or false. You negotiated the SALT Treaty with the Soviet Union in 1970 to limit nuclear arms.

KISSINGER

True. I’m sentimental. Arms are for hugging.

JERRY

You started the opening for diplomatic relations with China in 1971 and negotiated the Paris Peace Accords ending our involvement in the Vietnam War in ’73.

KISSINGER

True. I’m incredible.

JERRY

Not quite, big fella. Let’s talk about your taste in women. You dated actress Shirley MacLaine.

KISSINGER

True. She is a good looking actress. Our first date vas at her house. She vanted to meditate. After 15 hours, my legs vere so sore, I could hardly get up. Shirley said, ” I see now, Henry, that you are my reincarnated dog Jack.” Then she let me out her back door to take a crap. Dat vas dat. Kaput.

JERRY

Sounds like a great date. You also said Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir was hot.

KISSINGER

Oh, Golda. She vas a babe.

JERRY

She looked like a sack of potatoes.

KISSINGER

You don’t know vhat you are talking about. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Golda didn’t just have power. She had huge Vest Bank.

JERRY

Do you still travel?

KISSINGER

Travel? Sure. At my age, I travel quickly from the bedroom to the bathroom. Sometimes from the bedroom to the kitchen. Other times, the living room to…

JERRY

In other words, your poor wife wants to kill herself.

KISSINGER

Ve get out. Ever been to Kentucky Fried Chicken? It’s like Chick Filet, but not run by bigots.

JERRY

Okay, great. This is the scoop I’ve been waiting for all day?

KISSINGER

Speaking of scoops. Vere’s that double chocolate svirl you promised me from Dairy Qveen?

JERRY

Henry, I lied.

KISSINGER

Darn. I brought my bib.

JERRY

Last question. Who is crazier Trump or Kim of North Korea?

KISSINGER

Vell, I’d say they’re both scary. Trump vants to make nuclear veapons more usable and Kim vants to blow up countries just for shits and giggles. Hey Jerry, I have a funny joke.

JERRY

Lay it on me.

KISSINGER

Vhat is the difference betveen George Vashington, Richard Nixon and Donald Trump?

JERRY

I don’t know.

KISSINGER

Vashington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth and Trump doesn’t know the difference.

JERRY

I’m outta here. See you after the commercial.

Henry Kissinger is seen shaking his finger at Jerry. Jerry sticks his tongue out and gives him the raspberry.

Jerry exits the screen.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Jerry Duncan Show

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.