The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
Scene 3 Radio Station
The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks. Jerry’s pumped as he throws fake punches in the air.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
The intern hands him a microphone.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
You bet it is. Yes, siree.
JERRY
We have a special guest today, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
A silhouette is seen of Henry Kissinger behind the screen. Jerry joins him.
JERRY
Hi big fella.
KISSINGER
(German accent) Jerry, Jerry. How var you?
JERRY
Miserable as usual.
KISSINGER
(chuckles) Is your glass half full?
JERRY
No. It’s completely empty like your head. Let’s discuss the state of affairs in the United States. We have a president under siege, because the Russians hacked our elections and there could be collusion with the Trumpster and his associates. Our allies think we suck. And scary-looking Kathy Griffin gave Barron Trump nightmares.
KISSINGER
Vell. Let me answer the most important ting you mentioned. Barron Trump needs to see a psychiatrist, because he has nightmares from Kathy Griffin and his fadder. He tinks the guy running the Vhite House is a bad actor. That it’s all fake news. Barron also believes Kathy Griffin has a crush on his fadder. The only crush Trump gave a woman vas vhen he grabbed her pussy. Does that make sense?
JERRY
No, but what the hell. You’re a doctor.
KISSINGER
I’m not a medical doctor.
JERRY
You should be a proctologist. You, my friend have met a lot of assholes.
KISSINGER
You mean like the one I’m looking at right now?
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.
JERRY
What was it like working for President Richard Nixon? Another scandal ridden White House.
KISSINGER
Ve vere nervous during Vatergate. There vas the break-in to the Democratic National Committee in 1972 to get dirt on candidates who vere running against Nixon. At the time, I had no idea he vas behind it. This dragged on for two years until Tricky Dick got caught. In those days, vhen somevone broke the law, people gave a shit and did something about it. Congress members hounded Nixon.
JERRY
What was he thinking?
KISSINGER
He vas a control guy and tought he could handle everything. Nonsense. And Trump vill learn the same ting. I remember in 1974, Nixon vanted me to pray vit him, but neither von of us believed in God. He vas messed up. Tought the Canadians vere going to invade the United States. Then he told me The Beverly Hillbillies vere liberal Democrats. He vas nuts and resigned.
JERRY
Watergate is stamped on his forehead forever.
KISSINGER
No. It’s on his nose vich grew tvelve inches overnight after he kept telling everybody, “I am not a crook.”
JERRY
You were in the Battle of the Bulge during World War 2 and earned a bronze star.
KISSINGER
I did.
JERRY
Speaking of the Battle of the Bulge, you’re still fighting that war.
KISSINGER
Vhat?
JERRY
It’s a joke. Bulge? Big tummy?
KISSINGER
Vell. I do like Dunkin Donuts tvice a day vit my milkshake.
JERRY
You’ve been a foreign policy advisor to presidents from Nixon to Reagan. Even gave the Trumpster some advice.
KISSINGER
I tried. Last veek, I vent to the Vhite House to see Trump. I varned him to be careful of the Reds.
JERRY
You mean the Russians?
KISSINGER
Of course. Dat’s vhat I meant. Vhat else vould a rational person tink?
JERRY
And did he take your advice?
KISSINGER
Trump told me dat he tought the Dodgers vere a much better team. Good pitching, excellent hitting. Rex Tillerson vas right. He is a moron.
JERRY
You’ve had so many achievements. Just answer true or false. You negotiated the SALT Treaty with the Soviet Union in 1970 to limit nuclear arms.
KISSINGER
True. I’m sentimental. Arms are for hugging.
JERRY
You started the opening for diplomatic relations with China in 1971 and negotiated the Paris Peace Accords ending our involvement in the Vietnam War in ’73.
KISSINGER
True. I’m incredible.
JERRY
Not quite, big fella. Let’s talk about your taste in women. You dated actress Shirley MacLaine.
KISSINGER
True. She is a good looking actress. Our first date vas at her house. She vanted to meditate. After 15 hours, my legs vere so sore, I could hardly get up. Shirley said, ” I see now, Henry, that you are my reincarnated dog Jack.” Then she let me out her back door to take a crap. Dat vas dat. Kaput.
JERRY
Sounds like a great date. You also said Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir was hot.
KISSINGER
Oh, Golda. She vas a babe.
JERRY
She looked like a sack of potatoes.
KISSINGER
You don’t know vhat you are talking about. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Golda didn’t just have power. She had huge Vest Bank.
JERRY
Do you still travel?
KISSINGER
Travel? Sure. At my age, I travel quickly from the bedroom to the bathroom. Sometimes from the bedroom to the kitchen. Other times, the living room to…
JERRY
In other words, your poor wife wants to kill herself.
KISSINGER
Ve get out. Ever been to Kentucky Fried Chicken? It’s like Chick Filet, but not run by bigots.
JERRY
Okay, great. This is the scoop I’ve been waiting for all day?
KISSINGER
Speaking of scoops. Vere’s that double chocolate svirl you promised me from Dairy Qveen?
JERRY
Henry, I lied.
KISSINGER
Darn. I brought my bib.
JERRY
Last question. Who is crazier Trump or Kim of North Korea?
KISSINGER
Vell, I’d say they’re both scary. Trump vants to make nuclear veapons more usable and Kim vants to blow up countries just for shits and giggles. Hey Jerry, I have a funny joke.
JERRY
Lay it on me.
KISSINGER
Vhat is the difference betveen George Vashington, Richard Nixon and Donald Trump?
JERRY
I don’t know.
KISSINGER
Vashington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth and Trump doesn’t know the difference.
JERRY
I’m outta here. See you after the commercial.
Henry Kissinger is seen shaking his finger at Jerry. Jerry sticks his tongue out and gives him the raspberry.
Jerry exits the screen.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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