Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ruling: Strip club workers qualify for PPP.

Judge rules strip club workers qualify for PPP payment

… but the payments will all have to be made in one-dollar bills.

Are you ready for the Murder Hornets?

And, what’s Trump going do about the them, tell people to get injected with Raid and drink insect repellent?

Lamborghini to showcase a new car because of the coronavirus

It goes from zero to never leaving your garage in no seconds flat.

Nicholas Cage slated to play Joe Exotic in ‘Tiger King’ flick

So, if Cage plays Exotic, he’ll have to turn down the crazy from just being himself.

Evidence casts doubt on Tara Reade’s sexual assault allegations of Joe Biden

It’s starting to look like Tara Reade is Russian for Jussie Smollett…

COSTCO limiting how much meat you can buy as food shortage looms

So instead of dinner for 137 you can now only buy enough for dinner for 84.

Fauci: No scientific evidence the coronavirus was made in a Chinese lab

… speaking of ‘Made in China’ anyone seen Ivanka?

Bigamy no longer a felony in Utah

Looking forward to The Bachelor: Utah’ where the Bachelor just gives everyone a rose in the first episode and then marries all the women contestants.

Happy 60th birthday, Bono

He still hasn’t found what he’s looking for… but now needs bifocals to look!

Pence press secretary and Stephen Miller’s wife, Katie Miller, tested positive for coronavirus

Miller’s not worried. The only things that can kill him are garlic, sunlight and piñatas.

New Trump slogan: ‘Transition to Greatness’

Ok, I can’t be only one who thinks ‘Transition to Greatness’ sounds less like a campaign slogan and more like a reality show for Caitlyn Jenner.

Michigan Congressman Justin Amash drops out of Prez race

In real time he was in it for less time than what amounted to “one and half Scaramuccis.”

“It’s no different than a swimsuit”: Jessie James Decker defends wearing her underwear in front of her kids

it also explains all those Amazon deliveries showing up when she didn’t order anything.

New poll finds 29% of Americans believe a vaccine already exists to prevent COVID-19

These are the same people who believe you can’t put on weight if you eat off someone else’s plate…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)