Wherein our intrepid talk show host interviews Kentucky Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell, from his pond in Louisville.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Today on the show, I have a special guest. From his pond in Louisville, Kentucky, Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell.
JERRY
Looking at you, Senator. I understand why some animals eat their young.
SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL
Was that an insult, Duncan?
JERRY
No, Turtle. I’m describing you.
MCCONNELL
The story of my life. When I was a kid, I tried to get into a freak show at the Kentucky State Fair. The guy said, “Sorry, no professionals.”
JERRY
Speaking of ugly, you recently said President Obama should keep his mouth shut. That he is classless regarding his criticism of the way Trump is handling the coronavirus. What hypocrisy.
MCCONNELL
Hold on there.
JERRY
No. You hold on, Turtle Wax.
JERRY
Before Trump announced his candidacy for president in 2016, he said Obama was not born in the United States. I quote, “an incredible source has called my office.”
MCCONNELL
I can explain.
JERRY
Here’s a bold face lie. “Obama founded ISIS. I give him the most valuable player award. The same award I gave to Hillary Clinton. The country’s generals were reduced to rubble under Obama.”
JERRY
18,000 lies in three years. The truth is Trump fired all the good generals. He said, ” I know more than the generals.”
MCCONNELL
Duncan. He’s not a politician.
JERRY
He’s not even a human being.
MCCONNELL
There is a silver lining. Trump helped people like me pay less taxes. Greed is good.
JERRY
You dragged Obama through the mud for eight years. From his first day in office, you plotted with fellow Republicans to make him a one term president. You blocked his nominations for Federal Judicial vacancies. Even refusing to give Supreme Justice Court nominee Merrick Garland a hearing.
MCCONNELL
Get me some lettuce.
JERRY
And that’s not all, Moscow Mitch. In 2016, you refused to sign a bipartisan statement warning the public of Russia’s attempts to influence the election. Blocked election security legislation to protect the nation from foreign interference in our elections. Why?
MCCONNELL
Because a generous Russian investor named Oleg Deripaska made a $200 million dollar investment in an aluminum facility in Kentucky. I’m a job creator.
JERRY
No lettuce for you.
Donald Trump bursts through the door.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
You tell em, Mitch. Putin is an honorable man. Let me read a message from Puty to the American people. Good guy. Good guy.
PUTIN
Dear Trump and America,
You’re jelly to burger, knife to soup, bagel to pork chop, ketchup to ice cream. I make no sense. When I was boy in St. Petersburg, dream of being spy in KGB. Hero Boris and Natasha. Bullwinkle Moose was idiot. Dreams come true. I new James Bond. Recruit people East Germany to spy on West. Journalists, scientists, professors who travel. I steal NATO secrets. Prostitutes visit Trump in Moscow. He spill the beans.
TRUMP
Kind man. Always thinking of others first. Lots of hookers. Lots of hookers.
Trump continues reading.
PUTIN
Trump my puppet. I love puppet. Remind me of Big Bird, only orange.
TRUMP
Who doesn’t love a puppet?
Trump continues reading.
PUTIN
I spread wishes for coronavirus to West. Go scuba diving!
JERRY
Trumpster. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
TRUMP
No clue.
JERRY
Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
JERRY
What we learned today is Moscow Mitch is loyal to Donald Trump, not the constitution of the United States. What do you have to say, Senator? Turtle? Where are you?
TRUMP
He’s hibernating under a rock in your backyard.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
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