The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
INTERN
Thirty minutes everyone. Everything okay, Mr. Duncan?
JERRY
Old man Kissinger is upset that he didn’t get a chocolate swirl. Like he needs it.
INTERN
That’s funny.
JERRY
Do you know what’s the difference between me and Henry Kissinger?
INTERN
Age?
JERRY
100 pounds. Who’s next?
INTERN
Senator Schumer is waiting in the green room.
JERRY
Get Schumer in the studio. I’m ready for the fight.
INTERN
Yes, sir.
Jerry throws some fake punches. The intern hands him a microphone.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
Schumer’s silhouette is visible behind the screen.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
Yes, it is. Let’s hear it from the listeners.
JERRY
Today on the show is Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. A real scrapper from Brooklyn.
SCHUMER
Thank you, Jerry. I brought my Yankee cap to show I’m a human being and not a robot. So should I say it’s good to be here?
JERRY
No. Because you’ll feel like crap when you leave.
SCHUMER
Well. That’s why I came. I’m cool, calm and collective. And you’re a loud mouth jerk.
JERRY
(perturbed) Hold on there, Dr. Freud. You can’t analyze me. You agreed to do the show knowing my mental state.
SCHUMER
I like publicity. What can I say? Does anybody even listen to this show?
JERRY
Senator Mitch McConnell was here a few months ago. He mentioned that you offered him a pond to live in after retirement in upstate New York.
SCHUMER
(giggles) That’s true.
JERRY
What’s so funny?
SCHUMER
He better hope that Trump doesn’t “drain that swamp.”
JERRY
Chuckie cracked a funny. I get it…swamp, turtle. Who wrote that one, your pothead cousin Amy Schumer?
SCHUMER
I don’t talk about her.
JERRY
You like to talk. In fact, you can’t keep your mouth shut. All those boring speeches day after day.
(mimics) Everybody loves me. I’m so great. I got a perfect 1600 on my SAT.
SCHUMER
I don’t get your point, Jerry. Everybody should love me. You’re so annoying.
JERRY
Former Senator Bob Dole once said, “The most dangerous place in Washington is between Charles Schumer and a television camera.”
SCHUMER
Listen. Bob Dole? You gotta consider the source. He’s been a walking dead man for twenty years. He’s the first dead person to run for president of the United States. Besides, he rose to power as the hatchet man for Richard Nixon. If Dole were in power today, he’d be kissing Trump’s ass.
Jerry is fake snoring.
JERRY
Oh. Are we back?
SCHUMER
This is a stunt Congress would pull. You’re childish.
JERRY
Sticks and stones will break my bones, but you are one big bowel movement.
SCHUMER
I’m dealing with a crazy man. If anyone is listening to the show, come help me from this nonsense.
JERRY
Let’s see. Graduated from Harvard law school, but never practiced law. Why?
SCHUMER
Because I wanted to be famous and powerful. I rose to power during the Clinton impeachment hearings. Was a consensus builder on health care and immigration in the House back in 1981. You weren’t even born in ’81. Or just a tickle in your dad’s balls. Did I tell you that I was in the Gang of Eight?
JERRY
You’re a riot. You were in a gang. So was Snoop Dogg. Why can’t Americans get along? Tell me.
SCHUMER
Have you been paying attention to what’s been going on the past three years in this country? People can’t agree if the sun is coming up. Can you and I even talk about anything?
JERRY
Yes. We’re both New York Yankee fans. Go Bronx bombers!
SCHUMER
America can be great and get along. Something as simple as baseball brings people together in the spirit of friendship and harmony. Jerry, you surprise me. You inspired me. Please allow me a short speech.
JERRY
Oh, God. Don’t talk.
SCHUMER
What’s wrong, Jerry? You are hopeless.
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. What’s coming up in the Senate?
SCHUMER
Do you know what’s coming up in the Senate? Come here. I’m gonna tell you a secret of how your government works. Do you know what is going on in the Senate? Bupkis. Nothing! The Democrats pass a bill. The Republicans pass their version. It dies on Mitch McConnell’s desk. Then it’s time for a recess.
JERRY
Like you guys actually work. I’m paying for that time off you know.
SCHUMER
I’ll be thinking of you when I’m on the beach drinking a Shirley Temple. Everything paid for by taxpayers.
JERRY
I hope a shark rips of your swim trunks.
SCHUMER
I thought you were going to say a certain part of my body.
JERRY
That, too.
SCHUMER
You know, Jerry. You’re really angy. Did your mother ever breast feed you?
JERRY
I was adopted. All I heard is that my real mother was from the Ozarks. Didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground.
SCHUMER
I rest my case.
JERRY
I don’t want to call it a day, but all good things must come to an end. Do you feel like crap, Senator?
SCHUMER
Yes, I do. I should have gone on a real show like Ellen.
JERRY
Mission accomplished. Good-bye everyone.
Jerry moves over to his apartment and sits on the couch.
Scene 4 Jerry’s Apartment
JERRY
Finally, I can relax from those idiots.
INTERN
Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
Now what?
INTERN
It bothers me that Senator Schumer made you look like shit.
JERRY
(grumpy) What do you mean? You’re fired!
The intern drinks from his water bottle then reacts by spitting water in Jerry’s face.
INTERN
I’m so sorry. I deserved it.
Maggie enters the apartment. She has a stern look on her face. Jerry sees her and gets the message.
JERRY
All is forgiven. You’re rehired.
INTERN
I love show business.
The intern exits.
MAGGIE
That was mean, Jerry.
JERRY
What? Nothing happened. I’m tired.
MAGGIE
I know, but I have some exciting news. I lost 20 pounds.
JERRY
Oh, great. Now you can use your bracelet as a hula hoop.
MAGGIE
(disappointed) I thought you’d be happy for me. Instead I’m insulted. My mistake is thinking that you love me as much as I love you. I won’t bother you anymore, Jerry. Good bye.
JERRY
See ya. Thanks.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Mayor of Bemidji, MN - November 12, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat of Our Gang - November 6, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Birthday Surprise - October 29, 2024
