The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 62-67

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!

Scene 5 Radio Station

Jerry Duncan Show logo.

A silhouette of Elizabeth Warren is in back of the screen.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks and hands him a microphone.

JERRY

Welcome to the show. How is everyone doing out there?

INTERN

They’re alive. They’re alive.

JERRY

They’re living. Today on the show my special guest is Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren. She’s been shaking it up in the Senate for the last seven years.

Jerry enters the screen.

WARREN

Take your battle station, Sailor.

JERRY

You met your match, Sister.

WARREN

We’ll see, Big Mouth. I’m a proud Cherokee woman. I taught at Harvard law school and pushed out two babies.

JERRY

I can top that. Had a six pack before lunch.

JERRY

It says in my notes that you were born in Oklahoma City. Hey. What do rednecks say after breaking up?

WARREN

I don’t know.

JERRY

Let’s just be cousins.

WARREN

You insulted half the state of Oklahoma.

JERRY

Mission accomplished.

WARREN

I’m going to stick my foot up your rear so hard that you’ll taste your balls. Do you understand?! On the count of three. One..two..

JERRY

Understood.

WARREN

Don’t disrespect me again, Paleface.

JERRY

Mitch McConnell censored you in the Senate for defaming the character of then Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

WARREN

Yeah. And I told Turtle McConnell to quit hiding in his shell or I would torch it.

Warren makes a Native American war chant.

WARREN

Heya, heya, hazaraya.

WARREN

I was against Attorney General Jeff Sessions anti-immigration policy. I fight for the little guy by making health care affordable, regulating Wall Street and banks, and making sure there are high paying jobs for anyone willing to work.

JERRY

Oh man, you were running for president in this election and the last election. What the hell happened?

WARREN

In 2016, I was pressured by the Dems to drop out of the race. Now it’s my turn, but I dropped out again.

JERRY

Look. The Trumpster considers you a threat to his presidency.

WARREN

That’s because he’s one of the bad guys. Trump likes to stiff the little people and berates women who are strong like me.

JERRY

How strong are you?

WARREN

Get up, Duncan. I’ll show you.

She stands up in a karate position.

JERRY

(nervous) It’s okay. I believe you.

JERRY

What’s on your agenda?

WARREN

Someday being president of the United States and putting you out of a job.

JERRY

I’ll trade you my bong pipe for your peace pipe.

Warren makes a native American war chant.

WARREN

Heya, heya, hazaraya.

WARREN

Yes.

JERRY

The Trumpster called you Pocahontas. What did you say to him?

WARREN

Pocahontas was a heroine. She saved the life of a settler named John Smith, who was going to be executed by my ancestors. But that’s not my name, even though I am one eighth, oh wait, one quarter. No, one half Cherokee.

JERRY

I’m not buying it.

WARREN

You see these middle fingers, Kemosabe?

The intern interrupts.

INTERN

Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

I’m doing a show, Scrambled Brains.

INTERN

I know. But Senator Sanders is in the lobby. Says it’s important.

JERRY

Someone served him the wrong breakfast at Denny’s? Okay, send him in.

WARREN

Bernie Sanders? He’ll cut into my air time.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

Jerry. May I speak?

JERRY

Say please.

BERNIE

Please may I speak?

JERRY

No.

WARREN

Go ahead. Let him.

JERRY

Make it quick, Einstein.

SANDERS

I’m here for two reasons. First, I want to make an announcement that there is going to be an Ethics investigation in the Congress. I was on the Senate floor making an important speech about healthcare. And out of nowhere, Kellyanne Conway put her tongue down my throat.

WARREN

At least it wasn’t Al Franken’s tongue.

SANDERS

Actually, Al Franken would have been better.

SANDERS

The important news and this is HUGE. I’m running for president in 2024.

WARREN

You can’t run if I’m thinking of running! It’s my turn, I’m a minority.

SANDERS

So am I. Minority, shminority. You don’t have as much experience as me. I was on the committees for the budget, environment, energy and natural resources, health, education, labor and pensions, and former chair of Veteran Affaires.

JERRY

Blah, blah, blah. Senator Warren, your response.

WARREN

Pussy power!!

JERRY

That says it all. Time to go, Bernie.

SANDERS

Is there a deli in the neighborhood? I’m dying for some fried salami and eggs.

JERRY

My intern will show you to the door.

The intern grabs Sanders by the arm, who is kicking and screaming.

SANDERS

This is a bunch of mishegas. You’re all crazy!

Warren pulls out a tomahawk, swinging it near Jerry.

WARREN

One of theses days I’m gonna chop off your balls, Duncan.

Jerry moves over to his apartment.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Jerry Duncan Show

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.