Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. My mother refuses to talk to me. Today on the show my guest is comedian and talk show host Ellen Not Generous.
ELLEN
It’s pronounced DeGeneres.
JERRY
Big deal. I missed a few letters.
ELLEN
I’m proud to be Not Generous. I mean DeGenerous. Now you got me confused, you idiot.
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. You’re 62 years old. You have the most successful TV talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show now in its 17th year. You’re the host of Game of Games, you do standup comedy and have awards up the rear. What’s left?
ELLEN
Being stranded on Fantasy Island with Natalie Portman.
JERRY
Let’s flip a coin. Heads I win Natalie. Tails you lose and end up with Caitlyn Jenner.
ELLEN
You’re no fun, Duncan.
JERRY
Looks like you have a major image problem.
ELLEN
Because I dress like a Ken doll?
JERRY
No. Your Ellen staff said you are a monster. An employee on Twitter called you one of the meanest people alive. You’ve been compared to a cannibal.
ELLEN
Did you hear about the two cannibals that were eating a clown? One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
JERRY
Even weirder. A cannibal passed his brother in the woods. But here’s something that bothers most people. You furloughed staffers without pay because of the coronavirus. One staffer could lose his home. Another can’t feed his family.
ELLEN
Screw em. I need the frickin money to keep up my $43 million dollar mansion. I’m going nuts being holed up during the coronavirus. Do you know what I do to pass the time? I tell jokes to ants on the sidewalk. I dunk for apples in a wash tub. The only good news is Bellevue Mental Hospital assured me they have room if I go postal.
JERRY
You complained to a restaurant that a server had chipped nail polish.
ELLEN
That’s because I’m OCD. The other day I told my wife Portia to close the door 10 times on her way out. I yelled at the postman, because he was instructed to ring the doorbell 47 times. I counted 40. Now I can’t sleep. I keep trying to ring the doorbell 7 more times in my head. I trashed all my Swiffer Dusters, because my hair does a better job of dusting the furniture.
JERRY
Thank goodness you have Portia.
ELLEN
Yeah. Well, it comes at a price. She’s from Australia, so we own a bunch of kangaroos. They are so lazy, I call them pouch potatoes.
JERRY
Ellen cracked a funny, folks. Keep it up and you could lose your career.
ELLEN
Seriously, Duncan. Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than houses?
JERRY
No.
ELLEN
It’s because they have very strong legs, and the fact houses can’t jump.
JERRY
Quit pulling my chain. This is supposed to be a serious interview.
ELLEN
Really?
JERRY
Bahaha. Bahaha.
ELLEN
Let’s dance. I’m cranking up the boombox.
The 50 Cent rap song In Da Club starts playing.
JERRY
But I have two left feet.
Music is loud.
ELLEN
(yells) It’s like making a tissue dance. Put a little boogie in it.
The 50 Cent song plays as Ellen and Jerry Dance.
Go, go, go, go, go, go
Go Shorty, it’s your birthday.
We gon’party like its your birthday
And we gon’sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday
And you know we don’t give a F, it’s not your birthday.
JERRY
(grooving) Keepin it real.
ELLEN
Do you want to hang out at my mansion?
The music gets louder. Jerry can barely hear.
JERRY
No. I’m not Charles Manson.
ELLEN
Okay. Just remember to ring the doorbell 47 times.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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