DNC Election Plan: Heard Inside a Bunker Beneath a D.C. Pizza Parlor

Exclusive Report! This once-secret conversation was transcribed from a smuggled recording, and seems to reveal the DNC election plan.

By Michael Dane

TOM PEREZ: Alright, people — I’ll get right to it… where are we with “Project Bubble Wrap”?

Technician: Well, we have him wrapped as tightly as we can, so he can’t inappropriately touch anyone, but he still seems to be able to talk, so…

TP: Goddammit! We’ve only got a few months before the election! We can’t keep risking a gaffe every time he tries to reach out! He told an LGBT fundraiser that, quote, “If you people like musicals as much as I think you do, you won’t vote for the orange man!” And then he winked! It was creepy! I think we have to activate… “Protocol Cryo!”

Tech: (terrified) But… it’s never been tried! We don’t know what will happen if —

TP: I don’t care! This party cannot lose to that creamicle-colored ignoramus again! Not on my watch!

ELIZABETH WARREN: Actually, I have a plan for —

TP: Not now, Liz.

BERNIE SANDERS: If Joe is wrapped in plastic, I could gesture for him! With my arms, like this! (gestures) And, you know, yell things at people!

TP: (exasperated) No, Bernie… we’ve discussed this. Joe is gonna be the nominee. We just have to find a way to keep him from talking until November 4th.

BS: One percent!

(SANDERS is forcibly removed from the room)

TP: So, the DNC election plan is to cryogenically freeze Biden, leaving him in a state of suspended animation until Election Day. Any questions?

PETE BUTTIGIEG: Do I still get to be Secretary of Defense? Because South Bend Indiana is REALLY boring.You know, I actually served in Afghanistan —

TP: We know, Pete. And you’re gay. We know. When we wake Joe, you can ask him.

PB: Cool.

(Suddenly, HILLARY CLINTON mysteriously appears in a puff of smoke.)

HC: I shall be your nominee! It is my birthright, and I shall claim the throne! (to TP) Too much?

TP: A little. Look, Hill, you lost to Trump four years ago — as much as I’m sure we all agree (looks around room for agreement) that you are ‘entitled’ to the job, a lot of people don’t… like you.

HC: THEY WILL RUE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS! INFIDELS! (HC suddenly vanishes into a puff of smoke.)

TP: Well, that was awkward. Anyway, is… Biden here? We need to get him prepped for the procedure.

JOE BIDEN: (BIDEN is wheeled into room, sheathed in bubble wrap) Yer darned tootin’ I’m here, just like I was here in 2008 when an articulate black fella named Barack Obama made me his vice-president! Bet ya didn’t know that, did ya?

TP: Yeah, we will… be sure to mention that during the campaign. Now, you do know what this procedure means, right?

JB: Albso-tootly-ootly! It’s like this friend of mine used to say to me, fella by the name of, well, we called him ‘Chicken Neck’ when we used to play Uno together down at the rail yards. This was before I was Barack Obama’s vice president and before all that internet nonsense, and I just want you to know that I never meant to say anything that offended anybody, and I look forward to serving as your next Secretary of Trains!

TP: O…K. Well, let’s put him under.

Now, we still have some things to work out… we’re not quite sure about the debate format, since we don’t want our candidate to actually say anything.

For now, the plan is to just run a Chiron at the bottom of the screen during the debates, and every time the camera cuts to Joe we’re just going to have it say “vice president under Barack Obama.” Except the “vice president” part will be in really tiny letters.

Now, do we all remember what you say when someone on the other side attacks? Anyone?

WOMAN IN BACK: He may be an old sexual predator, but at least he’s not your guy?

TP: No… We can’t exactly put that on a lawn sign, now can we? Come on, people… We’ve been over this! What’s our slogan for 2020?

GUY IN BACK: (timidly) A little bit better than Trump?

TP: That’s it! Now let me hear everybody — A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP! A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP!

(Everyone in room joins in chant) A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP! A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP! BETTER THAN TRUMP!

TP: We got this. The election’s in the bag.

(Off-screen narration by MORGAN FREEMAN) But they did not, in fact, have this, and the election was not, in fact, “in the bag.”

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