The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
Scene 6 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry seated in his chair, flips through a black book.
JERRY
(talks to himself) Bunch of losers. Sally Simon…stupid. Trish Sweeney…ugly. Joanne Martin…missing teeth. Susan Pershkin…pimples.
He tosses the book over his shoulder.
JERRY
I’m so bored. I even miss talking to my mother.
Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
That’s what I was hoping you’d say. But not the reason I’m here.
JERRY
What do you mean?
MAGGIE
You’re in danger, Jerry.
There is a loud pounding on the door.
MAGGIE
Don’t answer!
ALEC BALDWIN
Open up. I need to talk to you, Duncan.
JERRY
That voice. It sounds familiar. I’m gonna look through the peephole.
MAGGIE
Don’t let him see you.
Jerry looks.
JERRY
It’s Alec Baldwin.
The pounding continues. People in the apartment building are yelling.
ANGRY VOICE #1
It’s eleven o’clock at night. I’m trying to sleep, you bastard!
ANGRY VOICE #2
I hope you’re evicted, Duncan!
ANGRY VOICE #3
Your show sucks!
BALDWIN
I’ll huff and I’ll puff. And I’ll blow your cheap door down!
JERRY
You can’t fool me, Baldwin.
BALDWIN
Don’t mess with my head. I’m the big bad wolf. Wait a second. I am Alec Baldwin. Please open up, you’re my last hope. I need to speak to the smartest man on the planet.
MAGGIE
Let him in. We’ll talk later.
Jerry opens the door. Alec Baldwin enters as Maggie exits.
BALDWIN
Sorry to bother you at home, Duncan.
JERRY
That’s what OJ Simpson said to his ex-wife Nicole before he killed her.
BALDWIN
My career is going south. I recently punched out a man for taking my parking spot. I’m still haunted by the voice mail I left my daughter Ireland when I called her “a rude, thoughtless little pig.”
JERRY
Don’t forget when you punched out the photographer for videotaping your wife Kim Basinger.
BALDWIN
You had to remind me.
JERRY
She’s hot.
BALDWIN
Mean…sneaky. Had the court send me to anger management. Couldn’t see Ireland for years. I want to throw Kim off the Brooklyn Bridge! Hold on, my meditation chant.
BALDWIN
Ahmmmmmm. Sorry, I lost my cool. Are we on the air?
JERRY
Are you on drugs? This is my living room. Hey, Bong Breath. Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetner?
BALDWIN
I can’t think right now.
JERRY
She thought it was a diet coke.
BALDWIN
Quit screwing around. Where’s my feet?! Did you hide them?
JERRY
No wonder you’re messed up. You were born in Amityville, New York. That’s where the horror film takes place.
BALDWIN
It makes sense. My brother is Stephen Baldwin.
JERRY
He’s a nut job.
BALDWIN
Go ahead, destroy my family. Ahmmmmmm.
JERRY
Listen, Baldwin. You have too many activities. That’s your problem.
BALDWIN
You might be right. But I can’t give up my charity Gere’s Rear.
JERRY
What’s that?
BALDWIN
We rescue gerbils that hide in Richard Gere’s ass and reunite them with their families.
JERRY
It’s a noble cause. But get rid of your brother Stephen. He’s the most insane person on the planet.
BALDWIN
Yeah. We did a series together called Forgetting The Baldwin Brothers. In one episode, Stephen made me spend a week in the wilderness with a horny Betty White. I’m damaged goods.
BALDWIN
Thanks for your advice, Duncan.
Baldwin gives him a high five. Jerry moves over to the radio station.
Scene 7 Radio Station
The intern greets Jerry.
INTERN
The show from Sing Sing prison is going to rock.
JERRY
Can’t wait, man.
INTERN
Mr. Duncan. This letter came Priority Mail Express. The envelope smells like perfume.
The intern remains standing.
JERRY
Give me it!
The intern takes a whiff of the envelope and hands it to him, then exits. Jerry opens the envelope and reads the letter that is accompanied by a photo.
JERRY
She’s a 10! Unbelievable.
Reads the letter out loud.
Dear Jerry,
You are so handsome and brilliant. My name is Tiffany Anderson. I’m an astrologist. Long story short. I had a conversation with my late aunt who knows your mother. She said to get in touch with you. Here’s my number.
Tiffany
The intern returns. He glances at the photo.
JERRY
My dream girl.
INTERN
Yes, it is. Next stop Sing Sing prison.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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