The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: Its NYC run was cut short due to the coronavirus. But you can read it all right here! And now, for the finale…
Behind the screen, it is set up like a prison. There are prison bars in the background. Standing are silhouettes of Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in handcuffs.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks, then rubs his shoulders like a boxing trainer. Jerry throws fake punches.
INTERN
Go get em, Tiger.
Intern hands him the microphone.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
It’s the best morning.
JERRY
Today our show is coming from Sing Sing prison in upstate New York. My guests are former President Donald Trump and his former campaign manager Paul Manafort.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
Prison is a beautiful thing. It’s HUGE! I finally got to see my wall. Look, Duncan. There’s my friends and former cabinet.
JERRY
Love it. They look great in stripes. So many. Ryan Zinke, Jeff Sessions, Scott Pruitt, Rudy Giuliani, Mike Pence, William Barr, Roger Stone. It’s chain migration.
TRUMP
And more. There’s sloppy Steve Bannon walking with a ball and chain. He’s in solitary for popping a zit in the guard’s face. Steve climbed the ugly ladder and didn’t miss a step.
JERRY
Where’s your son-in-law Jared and daughter Ivanka?
TRUMP
Rats. Scumbags! Those creeps stole my money and fled to Moscow. They’re living in the Kushner Tower penthouse next to Vladimir Putin.
JERRY
Jared hacked your computer. Right?
TRUMP
Maybe. But it could have been Russia, China, North Korea, Iran and every country in the world. They all hate me.
JERRY
Where’s Melania?
TRUMP
I don’t know.
JERRY
But I do. She’s living with Brad Pitt.
TRUMP
I’m not jealous. Melania worked hard growing up on the south side of Chicago.
JERRY
That’s Michelle Obama, you idiot.
TRUMP
Fake news.
PAUL MANAFORT
Brad Pitt is diagnosed with a rare cancer that necessitates the removal of his entire ass. He will be a bottomless Pitt.
JERRY
Hey, Manafort. You were found guilty on 8 counts of fraud by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. When you get out, what’s next?
MANAFORT
I’m going to Disneyland!
TRUMP
He’s so stupid, Duncan. Manafort’s password at the Trump Tower needed 8 characters, so he typed Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs.
MANAFORT
I’m only stupid, because I worked on your presidential campaign.
TRUMP
Nice wig, Paul. What’s it made of ?
MANAFORT
Your mother’s chest hair.
JERRY
Okay, Paulster. Speaking of wigs. What do you call a carrot and a potato who both wear wigs?
MANAFORT
Clueless.
JERRY
Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.
TRUMP
You’re lucky I’m in cuffs, Duncan.
JERRY
Trumpster. You have a visitor.
Reverend Al Sharpton’s silhouette is visible. He is played by the Announcer.
TRUMP
Al Sharpton, my African American.
REVEREND AL SHARPTON
Don’t get giddy. I’m here to give you last rites.
TRUMP
Last rites? Am I going to die?
SHARPTON
Well. The warden isn’t sure, because you are being transferred to a cell with some Black brothers you and your father discriminated against when they were trying to rent apartments in Queens.
TRUMP
Bad. Very bad. Save me, Rev.
Maggie enters then walks near the screen.
JERRY
(surprised) You, mother?
SHARPTON
Are you calling me a “Mother”, Duncan?
JERRY
(embarrassed) No. I was talking to my mother.
SHARPTON
I don’t see no woman standing here.
JERRY
You don’t understand. She can only talk to me.
SHARPTON
And I thought Trump was nuts. Hey, Duncan. Do you know what you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
JERRY
Bums?
SHARPTON
Nope. The NBA.
TRUMP
I need more time to talk.
SHARPTON
Visitor day is over. You and Manafort have to go back to your cell.
SHARPTON
Trump.
TRUMP
What, Rev?
SHARPTON
Your farts stink.
TRUMP
That’s cause I eat baked beans.
SHARPTON
Good. Now deaf people can enjoy them, too.
The prison door slams. Jerry comes from behind the screen.
MAGGIE
I never thought Trump would leave.
JERRY
I never thought you’d come back.
MAGGIE
Are you glad I’m here?
JERRY
Real glad. I mean it.
MAGGIE
No joke?
JERRY
Scouts honor.
MAGGIE
I didn’t tell you how much I loved you when you were growing up. And I’m ashamed. You’re a kind and honest person. Always have been. I remember all those stray dogs and cats you would rescue off the streets so they could have a better life.
JERRY
Thank you for letting me keep them.
MAGGIE
I couldn’t ask for a better son. As I look back, I find myself wondering. Did I remember to thank you for the simple things? The laughter, smiles and quiet times we shared.
JERRY
Quiet times? You’re in the Guinness World Records for yelling.
MAGGIE
I don’t yell. I just raise my voice. There’s a difference. Let’s move forward in our relationship.
JERRY
Absolutely.
MAGGIE
I love you, Jerry.
JERRY
I love you too, mother. Come here.
They hug.
MAGGIE
It took a long time to say it.
JERRY
Better late than never.
MAGGIE
I love a happy ending.
JERRY
Me, too. Hey, I gotta show to do for you.
The lights dim. Jerry goes behind the screen.
JERRY
The word democracy is being destroyed before our very eyes. Every day our freedoms and institutions are being demonized by the president of the United States and his followers. I mean, Are you okay when Donald Trump says he’s a nationalist? 417,000 Americans sacrificed their lives in World War 2 to defeat Hitler, Mussolini and Tojo. These dictators were proud nationalists out to conquer the world and rule through tyranny and oppression. The FBI leadership is now called scum. Our CIA and National Security experts are less preferable to the word of Vladimir Putin. The president is slowly dismantling the pillars of our democracy and replacing it with the new norm by authoritarian tactics, such as bypassing Congress on the rule of law. Separate but equal branches of government is no longer guaranteed. Multinational corporations are making billions of dollars. And I suspect just like Trump, not paying their fair share of taxes. The middle class and poor struggle from paycheck to paycheck or worse. Those in the president’s party that disagree with him are threatened with not being re-elected. The opposing party is demonized as unpatriotic. The president sews lies about everything from voter registration to immigration. Every day our constitution is being underminded from within. All the while Trump pardons political allies who been convicted of crimes against our country for corruption and treason. Can democracy be saved? That is up to each and every one of us when we leave here after the show. Democracy dies in darkness. Speak truth to power.
Jerry exits from behind the screen. There is a pause before Maggie speaks.
MAGGIE
I’m so proud of you, Jerry. See what you can do when you put your mind to good use?
JERRY
Oh, mother.
Lights up.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
END OF PLAY.
The cast comes on stage for a curtain call.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B.Kaner
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