Donald Trump's Pandemic Diary - David Martin, Humor Times

An exclusive look at the president’s pandemic diary shows that he knows who’s really to blame.

Dear Diary,

It’s just wrong that people are blaming me for the pandemic and some of those people don’t work for me so I can’t fire them; I can only ridicule them.

You and I, diary, know that I’m not to blame. All I have to do is look at your earlier entries and it’s clear that (a) no one knew about this virus, (b) I couldn’t have done anything early on and (c) I knew this was a pandemic before it even was a pandemic.

I’ve done everything perfectly from day one and still people are blaming me. So unfair. That’s why I’ve got to set the record straight, diary.

You know who knew about this virus and did nothing? The Chinese; that’s who. Everyone was praising Xi for his cooperation and transparency. Some even said I agreed which is totally fake news. I knew right away that it was some tasty Chinese bat or, more likely, some nasty virus lab in Wuhan.

You know WHO else is to blame? That’s right; the WHO. Believe me, they screwed up big time. I signed a four-page letter detailing all their horrible mistakes. I can’t remember them all but Jared says they’re pretty bad.

And then there’s the Democrats. Instead of concentrating on COVID-19, they were too busy impeaching me on trumped up charges. If they hadn’t distracted everyone with that Russia hoax, we could have nipped this bug in the bud.

Someone else I blame is Obama. If that grossly incompetent Kenyan had done his job, we would have had tons of supplies for the pandemic and a vaccine for the yet-to-be discovered virus. Instead all we’ve got is Obamagate which is the biggest unidentified crime in American history.

One of the biggest forces behind the pandemic, of course, is the Deep State. People are saying that there are literally thousands of left wingers and anti-Trumpers in the federal government who have been plotting against me for years.

And part of that secret group is that enemy of the people Hillary Clinton. She can’t stand the fact that I defeated her by the largest margin in modern history and that’s why she unleashed the pandemic.

But that’s not all. Ask yourself who has the most to gain from this pandemic. That’s right; the drug companies. They’ll come up with medications and vaccines and make billions and billions of dollars.

Actually, those with the most to gain are the baby boomers. If we had any sense, we would never have shut down the country and instead should have let the virus do its job and weed them out.

And I blame the governors who really screwed up big time. They didn’t have enough supplies or tests even though I kept providing them with everything they needed. Then they closed down too late and opened too soon unless the early opening worked which, in that case, was my idea.

Oh yeah, before I forget, I blame Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Mitt Romney and Mitch McConnell. I also blame Mike Pence, Ivanka, Eric, Don, Jr., Melania and, dear diary, maybe even you.

Finally, I blame the American people. You know who you are. I worked like a dog to make sure anyone could get a COVID-19 test any time they wanted one and you simply chose not to get one.

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David Martin

Dave's political satire and short humor have appeared in most major North American newspapers. He is also the author of several humor collections including "Dare to be Average", "Screams & Whispers" and "King Donald I" available on Amazon.