Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

SpaceX and NASA team as two astronauts blasted off away from earth

… and an entire country looked on in jealousy…

Trump continues to claim he took hydroxychloroquine as possible coronavirus treatment

Frankly, I’d only believe it, if hydroxychloroquine is short for Hydrox cookie.

Kroger’s CEO says there will still be meat in stores but customers may have to be ‘flexible’ on what they buy

… Road kill in aisle three. Road kill in aisle three…

Wyoming strip club reopens with ‘masks on, clothes off’ party

Now guys are asking: “How much for showing me a little face?”

Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez are reportedly taking steps towards buying the Mets

… no word on how much they’ll be paid to take the team off present owner’s hands.

Fallon in trouble for pictures of him in blackface as Chris Rock in 20-year-old SNL sketch

If any more pictures of Fallon in blackface surface, you know Trump’s going ask for his birth certificate.

Hertz declares bankruptcy

Guess they should’ve signed up for the extra insurance.

Georgia officials trying to stop large, invasive lizards that eat ‘anything they want’

Or, as they’re also known ‘the in-laws.’

ESPN’s Lance Armstrong documentary tanks in rating after strong showing by ‘The Last Dance’

I’m thinking it would’ve done better if they called it ‘The Ball on That Guy!’

NYC investigates white woman who called police on black man in Central Park

Personally, I’m waiting for the musical version ‘Sunday in Park with the Karen.’

Forbes alleges Kylie Jenner lied about revenue for her online cosmetics brand — for years

Not actually a billionaire…? So, she was acting Presidential.

Jay Cutler is not hanging out with Kristin Cavallari’s Ex-BFF, source says

He probably tried making a pass, but someone else intercepted and ran it back for a touchdown.

Brad Pitt Is “so proud of Shiloh and who she has become” on her 14th birthday

Personally, I’m impressed he can remember all those kids’ names without name tags!

Trump says he would shut down Twitter

… Twitter should put a fact check after it …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)