President takes desperate action to relieve burning palms.
Both a neurologist and a dermatologist have been seen entering and leaving the White House several times since the afternoon of Trump’s infamous bible photo-op, when the police violently cleared the streets of peaceful protesters for the president.
An anonymous source reports that, although there are no visible signs on his skin, President Trump has been experiencing a burning sensation on the palms of his hands.
It began as a mild irritation as he held the bible while the photographers’ snapped away. Because the bible had been wiped with a solvent prior to the photo op to make sure it was free of Covid-19 infectious material, it was thought, at first, that his burning palms were a reaction to solvent residue.
However, skin scraping found no evidence of residue and despite various medications applied to his hands, the burning sensation has only increased. He retires to the bunker several times a day where he can cry, scream, and swear in privacy.
In desperation, Trump sent a secret letter of apology to the bishop, who returned a letter of acceptance. To make sure he covered all bases, he ordered an aide to go to a local Catholic church and fill a bottle with holy water from the holy water font in the church entry.
Meaning to put just a few drops of holy water on his hands, Trump tipped and lost grip on the bottle, spilling the entire contents on his hands and the rug. As the bottle slipped, Trump in exasperation yelled, “Goddamn it!” Immediately, the water on his palms appeared to boil and the burning on his palms intensified, described by him as “Hot as the fires of hell!” Others suggest that maybe it was as hot as the burn of tear gas.
As of this writing, there are reports that the two doctors have returned to the White House along with a shaman and an exorcist.
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