Pandemic Pals & Helpful Chores - David Martin, Humor Times

If you’re in a position to do a little more during this lockdown, you might want to tackle one of these helpful chores!

For over two months, many of us have been locked down thanks to this crazy pandemic. While we’ve been repeatedly told that, by staying home, we’re doing our part, somehow it doesn’t always feel that way. If you’re in a position to do a little more, you might want to tackle one of these helpful chores:

helpful chores white house server staff — White House serving staff could do some helpful chores for the nation.

If you happen to be on Donald Trump’s White House serving staff, you could be in a position to help. Now that the President has stopped taking hydroxychloroquine, maybe you could substitute Ativan or an edible THC product, anything, frankly, to tone down his rhetoric and decrease his FOT (or frequency of tweeting).

Any admin assistant to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo could do the state (and even the nation) a favor by jazzing up his daily PowerPoint presentations. Maybe a fancy picture or two or possibly some text or a joke unrelated to what the Governor is actually saying. At the very least, try mixing up the font and color selection. It never hurts to throw in a little Garamond or Gotham from time to time.

Any Canadians looking to help out could start a GoFundMe page to raise money to get a haircut for Justin Trudeau. The guy’s definitely looking a little shaggy and could use a trim or two. If there happens to be a surplus in the account, it could be used to get his recently-acquired beard shaved off.

Anyone living in Wilmington, Delaware might want to think about lonely seniors sheltering in place in their city and how they could help them out. In particular, there is one aging senior named Joseph R. Biden, Jr. reportedly spending the pandemic in a basement. If a handful of Wilmingtonians could show up and wave to this 77-year-old shut-in through his basement window, I’m sure he’d appreciate it.

If you’ve tested positive for COVID-19 and you’re regularly in contact with the White House’s pandemic experts Drs. Fauci and Birx, you could do them a big favor by passing within six feet of them. They’ve already wrangled one two-week sabbatical but the desperate look in their eyes says they sure could use another vacation.

Any Washingtonians living near Number One Observatory Circle who are not female, might consider helping out one of their neighbors, in this case, the nation’s Vice President. Given the national emergency, top executives like Mike Pence often don’t have time to stock up on essentials. If you’ve got the time, perhaps you could do some shopping for him and leave a few essential items on his front porch such as whole milk, white bread, white rice, mayo, marshmallows and some sanitary wipes to clean off his lips.

There’s a whole group of folks who, until recently, had a high profile and a lot of public recognition but are now house-bound and almost forgotten: former Democratic presidential candidates. If you are a compassionate person with a lot of patience, it would be nice if you could set up a Zoom meeting with folks like Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris and Pete Buttigieg and pretend to be interested in their political positions.

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David Martin

Dave's political satire and short humor have appeared in most major North American newspapers. He is also the author of several humor collections including "Dare to be Average", "Screams & Whispers" and "King Donald I" available on Amazon.