Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Village People order Trump to stop playing ‘Macho Man’ and ‘YMCA’ at rallies

No word if they also put on leave the guy dressed like a cop!

Chris Cuomo apparently caught naked in wife Cristina’s yoga video

Damn, there’s a gift for all you Cuomosexuals.

Joe Biden does not want to defund the Police

… Nickleback, on the other hand …

Trump Admin remain desperate to move conversation away from coronavirus

Trump is so bored with COVID 19, that’s why he’s gonna leave it to run off with a younger, hotter virus…. ‘COVID 17 But Looks 21.’

Starbucks bans employees from wearing Black Lives Matter attire

This explains why you never see a Starbucks in Wakanda.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity & Ainsley Earhardt have been dating ‘very secretively for years’: source

Look for their new show ‘Fox and Friends with Benefits.’

Justin Trudeau: Canadians watching US unrest and police violence in ‘shock and horror’

No word if he’s thinking of building a wall and having Trump pay for it.

Jersey Shore: Why Mike ‘The Situation’ doesn’t think JWoww and Pauly D should hook up

In related news, the Doomsday clock just moved to five past midnight.

Stephen Miller is writing Trump’s race relation speech

… that’s like letting Dick Cheney adjust the rifle sights on your hunting rifle.

Russian chefs in naked lockdown protest after virus strips them of income

Bringing up the question, is that a blini or are just glad to see me!!

Advertisers drop Tucker Carlson show after Black Lives Matter comments

Pretty soon, the only companies left to advertise on Carlson’s show will be that ‘My Pillow’ dude and the ‘Really, Really White Castle.’

WB takes away Elmer Fudd’s gun

… mostly for his own safety.

Trump suggests Buffalo protester’s fall may have been ‘a set up’

How long before Trump says the protester was pushed to the ground by Joe Scarborough? Four… three… two…

Megyn Kelly’s mad HBO lifted ‘Gone with the Wind’ from its streaming platform

… Frankly, Megyn, nobody gives a damn…

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)