The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Teletubby William Barr, U.S. Attorney General

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews “Teletubby” William Barr, Attorney General.

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? You bet it is. Today on the show my guest is Teletubby William Barr, U.S. Attorney General.

WILLIAM BARR

I’m Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby. I’m the biggest of the four. I dine on McDonald’s Triple Cheeseburgers with my friend Donald Trump. We call him Noo-Noo, because he is orange.

JERRY

You’ve been accused of being the president’s attorney, not the people’s attorney for which you were chosen.

BARR

I believe myself and Donald Trump have authority over the executive branch. We are overturning the constitution one law at a time. In fact, Trump is going to deport all illegal aliens before the next election.

JERRY

No exceptions?

BARR

Well. I live in constant fear that he will deport Jeb Bush’s mother in law who lives at 824 Mulberry Street in Miami. She gets home at 6.

JERRY

What’s the difference between a tick and you?

BARR

I have no idea.

JERRY

The tick falls off when you are dead. Let’s go over your rap sheet. In 1982 when you worked for President Reagan, you omitted findings from your own summary document encouraging the FBI to enter foreign soil without permission to apprehend fugitives.

BARR

I don’t recall.

JERRY

In 1992, you authorized the report The Case For More Incarceration.

BARR

Let them eat cake!

JERRY

Looks like you’ve had quit a few slices, fella.

BARR

Is that it?

JERRY

In May 2020, you tried to get the Justice Department to drop charges against ex-Trump advisor Michael Flynn despite an earlier guilty plea for “willfully and knowingly” making false statements to the FBI.

BARR

He wasn’t aware Russian Ambassador Kislyak knew Vladimir Putin. An innocent mistake.

JERRY

Where does Michael Flynn do his grocery shopping?

BARR

No clue.

JERRY

Traitor Joe’s.

BARR

Why so many questions?

JERRY

I’m writing a book. How about June 2 when you gave orders for the authorities to clear peaceful demonstrators forcibly, so the Trumpster could have a photo-op at St. John’s Episcopal Church in DC.?

BARR

The police believed protesters were gathering rocks to throw at law enforcement.

JERRY

I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch fire.

JERRY

Man, you have a big stomach.

BARR

I try to avoid things that make me fat like scales, mirrors and photographs. I would like to go on a diet, but I’m afraid my brain will get thinner and I’ll become even more narrow-minded. I dropped the idea.

JERRY

I understand you have a hobby of playing bagpipes.

BARR

Let me correct you. I am the bagpipe.

JERRY

Full of hot air.

BARR

I thought you were going to say something else.

JERRY

Full of shit? Definitely yes!

BARR

Right now, I’m focused on getting Trump re-elected in 2020. We want to put a halt to mail in ballots, so less people can vote. Could use help from Russia. Little things like that.

JERRY

It’s called cheating.

BARR

It’s not honesty that shapes me, it’s my fridge.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.