Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ted Cruz and Ron Perlman have Twitter beef

It’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’… you decide which is which!

Turnout at Trump’s Tulsa Rally was just under 6,200 – a fraction of the venue’s 19,200 capacity: Forbes

So, Tulsa welcomed Trump by staging a re-enactment of his inaugural crowd.

Britney Spears debuts new bangs in sexy bikini photo: ‘I Did It!’

Shouldn’t that be “Oooops I did it, again?”

Ivanka Trump said she didn’t know using private email for government business was illegal

And she’s the smartest one…

A Dolly Parton statue may replace KKK leaders’ Memorial at Tennessee Capitol

… makes sense replacing a giant boob with giant boobs…

Judge clears way for John Bolton to publish his book, rejecting Trump administration effort to block it

To really embarrass Trump, John Bolton should’ve had his new book repeat Chapter 11 six times.

24/7 Fitness to declare bankruptcy

In order to avoid paying their debt ,look for them to join the 24/7 Fitness Protection Program.

‘Miss Hitler’ beauty pageant entrant and three others jailed for neo-Nazi group membership

… wasn’t this a deleted scene from ‘The Producers?’

NASCAR truck driver Ray Ciccarelli will quit because they banned the Confederate flag

… to become the world’s fastest Uber driver…

Lady Gaga forgoes pants for an iced coffee date with Michael Polansky

To paraphrase Chris Farley: “Latte friggin. Da.”

Protesters topple statue of Jefferson Davis in Virginia Capitol

If it helps people deal with it, instead of saying the statue was torn down, just say it tripped and fell.

Alan Dershowitz complains he’s being shunned by Martha’s Vineyard residents

In fact, Martha’s Vineyard residents have made it clear to Alan Dershowitz that they’re not practicing social distancing, they just don’t want to be anywhere near him!

Lady Antebellum changes name to Lady A, to denounce former name’s association to slavery

They were going to change it to Lady J, but Lindsey Graham already took that one.

Trump cheered at Tulsa rally after drinking water with one hand

Or. Worst. America’s. Got. Talent. Audition. Ever.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)