Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Michael Keaton Batman — Michael Keaton in talks for new ‘Batman.’

Michael Keaton in talks for new ‘Batman’

… look for the right turn signal on the Batmobile to be blinking through the whole movie.

Kimberly Guilfoyle, Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend, tests positive for coronavirus

No giant surprise there. One of the symptoms, after all, is lack of taste.

NFL ‘fans’ threaten boycott over Black national anthem

Hmmmm, so, these same folks who say there’s only one nation, one flag, one national anthem sure dig that Confederate flag, treason statues and whistling Dixie.

Biden says we should “protect” Columbus, Washington and Jefferson statues

Well, he did know all three personally.

Dershowitz tweet storm on Ghislaine Maxwell arrest

… but they won’t count as evidence because he’s wearing his underwear…

Mississippi passed a bill to remove the Confederate emblem from their flag

…and to set their clocks ahead to 1866.

Lady Gaga continues her no-pants streak while picking up dinner with boyfriend Michael Polansky

Look for her in the remake of ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantless.’

Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh votes to strike down Louisiana abortion law

And, Susan Collins is so mad at Kavanaugh‘s vote, she might just wag her index finger at him.

Kate Beckinsale has the best response to claim she dates men who could be her “children”

Oh, c’mon, you have to be more specific, all men are children.

Trump says he wasn’t joking about testing slowdown: “I don’t kid.”

In fact, Trump wants to make coronavirus testing as slow as Eric Trump.

University of Alabama and state health officials cannot confirm reported ‘COVID-19 parties’ took place

Although if they need a cure, three words… Roll Tide Pods.

“Outstanding” headteacher receives nationwide support after suspension for saying some teachers ‘did nothing’ during lockdown

Headteacher? Damn, talk about taking oral exams!

Dr. Dre’s Wife Nicole Young files for divorce after 24 years of marriage

Guess that means, “she’s gonna forget about Dre.”

Mexico closing its U.S border

… good luck, Amigos, getting Trump to pay for it…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)