The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kellyanne Conway & Whoopi Goldberg

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Kellyanne Conway and Whoopi Goldberg.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guests are White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway and talk show host of The View comedienne Whoopi Goldberg.

KELLYANNE CONWAY

I love our president. He always tells the truth.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG

You’re delusional, Sis. Trump is a bad dude.

WHOOPI

You must of heard about the dead blonde found in the White House closet.

KELLYANNE

No.

WHOOPI

She was last years hide and seek winner.

KELLYANNE

Whoopee cushion. At least my hair doesn’t look like a worn out mop.

WHOOPI

Hey. I typed “bitch” into my GPS. Guess what? I’m in your driveway.

JERRY

Ladies. This isn’t The Jerry Springer Show.

WHOOP

It isn’t? Then I’m booking.

JERRY

No, wait. We’re crazier.

WHOOPI

Then I’m in.

KELLYANNE

I thought this was The 700 Club.

JERRY

You were punked.

KELLYANNE

What?!

JERRY

Relax, Bottom Feeder. Here’s a PEZ. That should fill you up for the day.

KELLYANNE

Too many calories. I’m on a diet.

JERRY

Listen up. Okay?

KELLYANNE

I know I am, but what are you?

JERRY

Shut up. Your husband George Conway is part of the Lincoln Project. These are Republicans running anti-Trump ads on television. Doesn’t that make for an uncomfortable marriage?

KELLYANNE

Nothing matters anymore.

WHOOPI

Black lives matter.

KELLYANNE

Not to me.

JERRY

You’re on the wrong side of history. Black people are being killed by cops.

WHOOPI

Yeah. Don’t you watch the news, Kellyanne?

KELLYANNE

Fox News. Every life matters, Dunderhead.

WHOOPI

Not yours, Boney Maroney. And their laughable slogan is “Fair and Balanced.” That’s it. That’s the joke.

KELLYANNE

You lie, Mrs. Sharpton. Did you know the latest Fox election poll shows President Trump ahead of Joe Biden in all 87 states?

JERRY

Mrs. Al Sharpton? Did you pull that one out of your rear?

KELLYANNE

No. He was on my mind. The man went from 305 pounds to 129 pounds. Sharpton must have paid good money for that tapeworm.

WHOOPI

Maybe I should buy one. I could stand to lose a few pounds.

KELLYANNE

A few pounds? You’re fat and need to go on a diet. I’m not going to sugarcoat it because you’ll eat that, too.

JERRY

The Trumpster says the coronavirus will just disappear. The United States curve has risen for positive cases. The most deaths in the world.

KELLYANNE

It’s because we are testing more people.

JERRY

But we don’t have enough tests.

KELLYANNE

Exactly. That’s why we need to stop testing. Why waste money?

WHOOPI

Testing saves lives. Can’t you get it through your fake blonde hair, Girl?

KELLYANNE

At least I don’t look like the day after a nuclear blast.

JERRY

It’s okay to lie, Kellyanne. You’re good at it.

KELLYANNE

Thank you. I think so.

WHOOPI

Yo, Kellyanne. Why are ghosts bad liars?

KELLYANNE

I can’t imagine.

WHOOPI

Because you can see right through them.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

Author
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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.